Little Freak H.S

5. Just look

Double update!!!

"Topping the charts at number one this week is popular boyband The Commons, and their hit song "Leaving Tomorrow"

I listen to a radio station as I clean up my apartment. Picking a music station or playlist seems like such a hassle, so I just play whatever is on to avoid the headache. sometimes if I know how I feel ill put on one of the playlists ive made but they only consist of jazz and mostly instrumental songs.

Its still too early for me to decorate and play Christmas music, so im pushing it off to next week at the earliest. Me and Bacon, my fur baby orange cat have enjoyed our day in cleaning and just relaxing. I had a few meetings today but other than that its been open.

As a child I loved Christmas, I lived for it. It was the one time of the year my family would get together and actually be nice to one another. Maybe it was because they knew they would be getting presents or maybe it was the holiday spirit. I liked to believe in that kind of stuff. "Christmas miracles" "Holiday cheer" that was so real to me. I didn't realize how much of that belief was because of my family until I moved to LA.
My career started fairly early, I'm 21 this year but began modeling when I was 18 and moved here when I was 19. In just one year, it seemed everything had changed. I went from graduating and having all my chaotic family there, to waking in fashion shows across the world and not once were they in the audience. It begs the question "what did I do?"
The simple answer, the one my therapists drills into my head session after session, is nothing. I didn't do anything wrong.
And that was true. I was a perfect student, perfect daughter. I did no wrong in comparison to my family and that was the truth.
I was the one who had a chance at getting out and they knew that. My childhood is filled up by memories of being protected from the shitty ness that circled my family. We were poor, lived in trailer parks and grew up playing with used toys. But i was a happy kid. Truly I was.
My family struggled to make ends met as I blindly grew up seemingly with no cares. "Do your homework" "focus on school" "don't worry about getting a job just study for your tests" those were things i used to hear. They cared for my education, cared for my wellness enough to get me to graduate as none of them ever did but when I told them i had the opportunity to model and make our lives so much better I was turned away and shut down.

"I give you an education just for you to like to have your picture taken? All that work for nothing?" My mother shouts at me as I set the dinner table.

Today I got an offer from a New York modeling agency, I didn't think much of me applying back in September but a letter came in the mail today. With my name on it, and a contract.

"Mom it could be good, let me read it to you so you can see-"

"No I don't want to read this, this excuse for a career! I put you through high school for you to go to college, be a lawyer, a doctor or, or an accountant for Christ sake not some over sexualized model for the whole world to drool over!" She slams the Mail on the table as her tired eyes stare me down.
This was good. This was money, this was fame and for us to make a name for ourselves. Good things can come from this if she just would listen.

"Has all we've done for you meant nothing? You disrespect your sisters, your father, this house by sneaking to apply for this model school?"

It's not like that, she's just not hearing what this could mean.

"What do you think people will say when you're laying on cars with nothing but nipple stickers covering yourself, huh! What would god think! Bringing Shame on us like this." Her hand goes to her heart as she turns her back to me. Unable to look at me any longer

"Mom, please it's not like that. Things have changed, there are more opportunities for models besides obscenity, there is respect, and boundaries to be put into plac-" I cut myself off trying to find a way to make her see how good this can be.

"Look, just here look" I pull out my iPhone 7 and open Instagram to show her the portfolio I submitted to the modeling agency. My feed of modest and elegant photos. Most of which happened while I was supposed to be studying or staying over at Jenny's house. But she doesn't know that.

"See momma, It doesn't have to be gross and sexualized. It can be modest." I try and tell her but once she sees the pictures her hands fly to her mouth in surprise or anger.

"Hazen Grace Harley you... you are deceitful." She sobs into her hand, sorrow washing over her.

"What no mom I wasn't being deceitful, this was just for fun, it made me feel good I wasn't trying to do anything, it just happened and people like me! Mom they like me and they don't even know me!"

"No Hazen it's me who doesn't know you. Why are you trying to embarrass us! To sin for everyone to see, I cannot look at you! You're a liar!" My mother starts to spiral as tears stream down her face. Her anger rises and fear of god seaps out of her along with every hateful thing she could say to me. As if I'm not her kid, her daughter. As if it was going to make me understand.

Hazey baby, they don't deserve youuuuuu