The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 2

Unaware of the thoughts rushing through my mind, Lindsey just snorted and rolled her eyes. "Grow up, Richie."

I shook as Richie chuckled beside me, unconsciously hugging me closer for a moment before he sauntered over to the woman giving her a nudge in the ribs.

I forced down the briefest flare of jealousy. Despite being the same age, Lindsey always seemed to have everything together. She had her own home. A son. Friends. A partner who doted on her. She always looked comfortable in her own skin. Everyone liked Lindsey.

Some people truly have all of the luck.

A part of me wondered what it would be like to be her. And yet, my own life had proved to me that the grass was not always greener.

I knew what they said about me. They tried to be discreet but some of the team had voices that carried. They thought me standoffish. Stuck up. That, as the personal assistant to the director, I thought myself too good for them. If only they knew.

Yet, they didn't. They couldn't. I didn't want them to know.

I swallowed and looked down at my hands. I picked at a jagged nail in agitation.

This was all my fault. My loneliness was my own damn fault.

I blinked and shook my head.

Sometimes it was all too easy to lose myself within my thoughts. The endless ones which went around and around in circles but only ever succeeded in making me feel worse about myself. To feel worse about the situation I found myself in. It was all so bloody pointless and never made me feel any better.

Instead, I wrapped my arms around my waist, my jagged nails biting into hips through the thin fabric of my t-shirt. I forced myself to be present. I forced myself to focus on the conversations around me even though it was like wading through treacle.

"Are we doing karaoke tonight? I've been practicing my Mariah impression all week." One of the apprentices joked, grabbing a spoon from the draw and miming enthusiastically in a terrible rendition of a Mariah belt.

"Karaoke – yes." Richie replied, before snatching the spoon from the younger man's hand. He turned to lean casually against the counter, a small smirk playing on his lips. "You singing Mariah? That's a no from me."

"Your loss."

They continued to chatter as they prepared drinks. I hovered on the edge. Present and yet apart. The same as it had been for years. Sure, they had taken pity on me when I had first arrived. I can still remember each and every time they had invited me along over the years. But, with no one to lean on, I had always said 'no' when all I desperately wanted to say 'yes'.

It had been too damn hard to pretend to be happy all of the time. Too difficult to pretend I only cared about whether I could go down the pub on a Friday night and get pissed on a bottle of wine or two. Those days had been snatched away before I had even turned the legal age to drink.

I didn't regret the choices I had made. I would do it over and over again for Mum. She was my best friend. She was my world.

They moved away with their drinks and I stepped up to the coffee machine on auto pilot. I kept my back to the group. They hovered for a few more seconds but eventually their footsteps retreated. Bracing my hands on the counter, I released a relieved sigh.

I allowed myself just a moment of stillness. A brief pause in order to force the hopes and dreams deep down into my

Reaching up, I opened cupboard and drew out a mug.