Paradox

Chapter 25: Past Tense

"You are insane," he growled. Rubbing his cheek he slowly went and sat down out of striking range.

"I saw how much your father's neglect hurt you, both of you. You had the reputation of being your father's favorite so it affected you more. I knew how much you loved music that is why I spent time teaching you new instruments, I too love music that was one of the things I missed the most in hell. One day your father and I had a spectacular fight I think it came on the heels of the one you and he had about free will and accountability. He thought I had coerced you into arguing with him, he said I was a bad influence on you and that he would separate me from you all. I went a little insane. He didn't treat me as his partner; I was supposed to behave like one of his loyal soldiers -- obeying even if I didn't agree. My rage took over and all I could think about was hurting him in the worst way possible." She looked at Lucifer then.

He chewed on his lower lip. "Through me."

"I don't know what came over me that day. I was desperate to hurt your father."

Lucifer took a shaky breath. "What about me? You had no qualms about what you did? Just to be clear you did it -- it wasn't just staged...you...had sex with me while I was drugged!" He stared into her dark eyes so much like his own, demanding to see the truth in them.

Silence. She looked away not wanting to meet his gaze not willing to face the truth. She could feel his hard eyes on her. She started at the hands in her lap.

Lucifer watched her swallow heavily and slowly she lifted her eyes to meet his. They were full of regret, and infinite shame.

Her eyes flooded with tears. "I have no excuse. It was unforgivable. I wanted to forget. I had hoped you were so drugged you would never know. I would give anything for it to never have happened. Can you forgive me? Can we concentrate on the good times we had as a family and move forward?"

Lucifer refused to let her tears affect him. What she had done was unforgivable.

He got up, towering over her with a wild look in his eyes. In a quiet controlled rage, he told her, "I want you to leave. I don't want to ever see you here again. Don't enter my house, don't enter Lux. Stay away from the Detective and Maze and me."

"Sam...Lucifer. It was a long time ago. Can't you please find some way to deal with it? I promise nothing like that will ever happen again," she pleaded.

He gave a harsh laugh. "Of course, it won't. I'm not the innocent young creation anymore am I, eh? You stole that from me. No mum there isn't any way in heaven, earth, or hell I can forgive you. If Amenadiel still wants to spend time with you he's welcome to but far away from here and from me."

Something black flickered in her eyes making the hair on the back of Lucifer's neck rise.

"You are just like your father. Unforgiving and judgmental to his kind but oh so lenient with his human creations," she spat human like it was a word that burned her tongue.

Rage licked at every cell in Lucifer's body. He was nothing like his father. How dare she of all people say that? His eyes flashed red.

Lilith's eyes darkened. "So you want to send me back to hell? I haven't done anything wrong since I escaped. I've reached out to you and your brother with nothing but the best intentions. But you refuse forgiveness or in the least understanding that I would do anything to eventually fix this when you are ready to give me a chance to someway make it up to you," she responded with anger and hurt.

He stood there with his jaw clenched tightly but remained silent.

Then she signed. "Son, if that's the only way you can deal with this then do it." She turned and walked out onto the balcony staring out into the skies.