C. [trans copia x trans male reader]

chapter 13: endless loop.

Copia's pov

We finish bowling and I drive us home (shocking I can drive hahah)

I go straight to my bathroom and get extreme urges after looking at myself in the mirror.

I hate myself
I hate that "thing" that stares back at me
I hate that "papa"

I look at the blade and I think.

I'm just over a month and a half clean. I don't want to go over this again.

But I want to do it..

The urge gets too strong and I uh..

Relapse.

A big one aswell.

My arms are covered in deep cuts. Both if them this time.
And there was blood everywhere.

What am I doing this for.
To feel something?
Do I feel invalid?

"No..No. no NO."

It was that moment I realised what I'd done. I've messed up. Big time. I stand up and panic before walking out of my room and collapsing hitting my head hard and passing out on impact.

I groan waking up and grabbing at my head hazily.
"What happened.." I say sitting up in the first aid room.
"Papa. Why.." Aether asks. "I..don't know." I say. He starts tearing up.
He thought I was OK
I feel like I lied.
At this moment I knew,

At least he cares.

I reast my head on my hand and look at my arms. Stitches.
"They were that bad-?" I say my voice breaking. "Yeah..I had to get swiss to help with stitching." He sighs. "Just know...crying won't make you seem weak, it's an emotion. If anything it makes you strong or unafraid of showing those who care about you hiw you feel, I've been there. I thought me woth this mentally ill stuff would make me seem weak, but no. You guys still see me as fit for papa. Imand I love you guys for that" I said to him. "Thankyou papa" he says and he starts to cry "let it all out.." I say sort of comforting him. He finishes crying. "Thankyou papa..I needed that." He says. "Eh its no problem." I say tiredly. "Wait wheres the rest?" I ask. "Idk, they sort of went off." He says. "Oh..I see." I sigh.

I would've thought they'd atleast check if I was ok. "I mean swiss obviously helped but the only people who checked if you were awake yet was sodo, cumulus and rain.. the rest sort of just kept out of it." He says. "ah..I see.." I say. "Is something the matter?" He asks. "Mm..no." I say. "Well..talk to me if you need to.." he says helping me up to get to my room.

Y/n was in there not a care in the world. "Oh hey! What happened?" He asked cluelessly "isn't it obvious?" I snap slightly. "Oh..hope you feel better" he says. ""Hope you feel better" I've been trying to for these past couple of months and even tried to KILL MYSELF. I physically CANT feel better it's a fucking curse! But oh it's just typical "C" "oh it's just her hormones" THATS what sister says. She dosent see me as a papa because I'm "not a real man" isn't it." I keep rambling for 9 minutes before I realise what I've done. "Why..? Why werent you there-?" I say as my voice cracks. He was numb. Just, numb. I get up scoffing. "You couldn't even CHECK on me-?" I say.

I walk through the ministry to get onto the the roof. That's it. I was gonna do it. This was the time I was going to kill myself.