enemies (with benefits) » l.r.h || completed

forty one

"I just wish they'd shut up. It's been weeks. You'd think their attention spans would've let go by now," she whispered, locking her phone and laying it facedown next to her. She curled up, her whole body making almost a complete circle.

"What'd you read?" I asked, reaching for her phone. She rolled over onto it, face smothered in the blanket. I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "Vanessa, what did you read?"

"Same stuff," she mumbled, her voice muffled by the sheets. "more stuff about killing myself." She sniffed.

"V," I sighed, laying down next to her. "they're just words."

"Words hurt more than you'd think they would," she sounded defeated.

"Trust me, I know," the doorbell rang and Vanessa immediately shot up, running down out of the room. I followed after her to see she was already opening the door.

"Hi," I heard her as I walked down the stairs.

"Hey," I looked to see that it was that Michael kid. The way he looked at Vanessa was the same way Brian and I looked at her: Love and deep concern.

"I'm sorry I haven't called," she mumbled, taking the pizza from him.

"It's okay," he assured her. "I've just been worried about you." She nodded. I watched how they interacted with each other, almost like they were having a private conversation with their eyes. I'd love to know what's going on in them.

"I'm okay," I couldn't see her, but from the look on Michael's face, I knew she really wasn't smiling.

"Are you sure?" His arm twitched up slightly then back down to his side. He was refraining from making any contact with her. Just like the rest of us.

"I'm sure," she handed me the pizza (I'm not sure if she knew I was there or just assumed) and hugged Michael tight. He was hesitant to touch her. He actually looked at me, as if I were going to give him confirmation. I nodded, and he engulfed her in a hug that I wish I could give her.

"Alright," Michael kissed her forehead. "I have to go, but please don't feel like you can't call me later. Okay?" She nodded. He gave her a small smile, me a small nod, then turned back out to his car.

"Ready to eat?" I took the box to the kitchen, occupying myself with plates and other unnecessary things considering she just eats right out of the box anyhow.

"Yeah," she walked over and grabbed a slice, setting it on a plate, and stared at it.

"Well? You were griping at me since noon you wanted pizza," she nodded, setting the plate own on the counter and went to the fridge. I watched her, everything in complete silence, as she pulled out a water. She took it back and sat it next to her plate.

There was only one other time I've seen Vanessa do this was when her dad moved and she was so upset that she just set food in front of her and stared at it. She couldn't make herself eat. Just stare at it until she decided it looked disgusting enough to walk away from.

"Vanessa?" I said cautiously, snapping my fingers in front of her face. She was unfazed. "Vanessa." I said in a louder voice, causing her to look at me.

"Yeah?" She looked clueless, as if she didn't know she was just staring lasers into her pizza. I gaped at her, amazed a human was capable of shutting down completely like this. "What?"

"U-Uh, n-noth-" I shook my head, rubbing my temple and looking down at the counter. It all was just too much, even for me. She was gone, Vanessa was long gone. There was no way of getting her back.

She picked up her pizza and took literally the smallest bite I have ever seen. "I'm done," she muttered before setting it down again and going to the couch. I shook my head again, grabbing mine and her plates, following her to the living room.

"You need to eat."

"I just did," she whined, laying down.

"When was the last time you ate an actual meal?" I put down the plate and placed my hands on my hips. I felt like her mom.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I haven't really eaten."

"Why not?" I questioned. Vanessa shrugged again, as if it were no big deal. "You have to eat something, V." She just laid there, looking at the ceiling with an arm draped along the back of the couch and the other hanging off the edge.

I couldn't believe what was before me. I couldn't believe the person laying on my couch was the same person that has always laid on my couch for the past 12 years. That this person staring at the ceiling in silence, used to talk to me about everything as she played my brother's video games. That this person who smiled at everything, has maintained a blank face for the past three weeks. This wasn't Vanessa. This wasn't the girl I loved. The girl I loved disappeared at the same time her innocence was ripped away from her.

I use to be able to look in Vanessa's eyes and see the innocence that always seemed to be there. No matter what she did, who she did, it was like staring at a newborn baby that hadn't known of the dangers of the world.

Now, I look into her eyes and it was as if all of the dangers had taken residence inside of her and her eyes were dull and she no longer was innocent. She was as jaded as jaded could be.

"Jess?" Vanessa's voice brought me back from my bafflement.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"What are you doing?" My eyes seemed to focus back and I didn't realize I had gotten closer to her.

"Uh," I looked around, my eyes grazing over the whole room, then over her. She was gorgeous, always has been. Nothing about her style changed, even when she grew up. Yeah, maybe she wore a few girly shirts here and there, but she stuck with t-shirts and jeans with tears wherever she could put them. And her raggedy-ass Converse that looked like they'd fall apart in seconds to complete her look.

She made it look good. She made everything look good. Dare I stoop so low as to say she made sadness look good?

Before I could stop myself, I leaned down and had my lips on hers. It was a long minute of me kissing her but her not kissing back before she pushes me off of her, completely and utterly disgusted of what I just did.

"What the hell was that!" She screamed. I stammered, trying to find words but I couldn't. Vanessa had tears in her eyes and trailing down her cheeks in a matter of seconds. "Why did you do that? I-I'm not-" she sobbed, getting up and running out the front door.

"V!" I ran out after her but she already was ducking down in her car. I ran up to her side, trying to stop her. "Vanessa, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't. . . I have no idea. . ." But she wasn't listening. She slammed the door shut and the car roared, making me take a few steps back.

"I don't want to see you ever again!" She shouted out the window before taking off out of my driveway.

Now, in any normal circumstance, I'd say she was overreacting. But, when she hasn't been very fond of human contact whatsoever, and hasn't had true human contact that she wanted, this was a proper reaction.

I just kissed my best friend without her permission when she was at her most vulnerable. Why did I just kiss my best friend? What made me kiss my best friend?

Oh yeah, I just happen to love her.

_________________________________

So, if no one caught on in the earlier chapters, Jessie has that thing where is only gay for one person and that person is Vanessa.

*everyone rolls their eyes in unison*
Of course she does.

Anyway, 2 chapters left until the end.

Twitter: @lukesenemies