Mended

13

"When people ask me why I do the things I do, I say it's because I like how it makes me feel. That I like the adrenaline and the thrill. That I like feeling like I'm invincible, but..." he exhaled. "I do it so it hurts. I need it to hurt. Otherwise..." he trailed off.

"Everything gets too much?" I finished softly and he nodded.

I waited a brief moment before asking my next question, knowing it was going to be very heavy.

"Do you want to die?" I asked and Ethan didn't react. I clarified, my voice soft. "When you act in the reckless way you do, is that your goal? Do you hope to go far enough that you won't ever recover?"

He didn't answer for a long moment. "I don't know."

I believed he did know, but I didn't want to put him under pressure. Ethan had a habit of running when people pushed him further than he was willing to go, and I couldn't risk that right now.

"Can I ask you a genuine question?" He nodded briefly and I swallowed hard. "Why won't you accept help? We have the resources, and you've seen Izzy and Caleb's progress. What's making you say no?"

Ethan glanced down at Izzy again, his face a blank mask of nothingness. It was a few seconds before he answered.

"I don't think it'll work on me."

"Why would you think that?"

He lifted his gaze to meet mine, his dark grey eyes shining with a subtle sort of despair before it disappeared. His throat shifted as he swallowed and looked away.

"It's like Kaiden said," he murmured, letting out a dark laugh. "I'm too damaged. I think it's better if I stay this way. It's easier. It's familiar. I'm fine this way."

I studied him carefully, my gut telling me that there was more to this. "You know what I think?" I finally spoke and he glanced over at me, his face blank. "You've made yourself believe you deserve this." Everything that had happened to him; every awful thing that he felt too deeply. He felt like he deserved it, and I didn't know what to do to make him see otherwise.

I waited for his reaction because I knew I'd hit dead center with the truth, but Ethan barely even blinked. Instead, he simply shrugged as his lips curved into a lifeless smile.

"Don't I?"

My heart caved. "God, no, Ethan. Of course you don't. Why in the world would you ever think that?"

He shoved himself up off the couch. "Why don't you?" He yelled, clearly fed up now. Izzy jerked away with a start, gasping as she lurched upright. She scanned our surroundings, her eyes pausing on Ethan as he stood before us, his eyes aflame. "All I do is fuck everything up. I hurt everyone around me. Elijah, Kaiden, Caleb, Izzy, Rose, and god knows who else. I feel like all I'm ever doing is apologizing for something I never meant to say or do, and I don't know how to fucking stop. So, tell me, why the fuck do I not deserve this? How could you not see that? What is the fucking point of all of this, Sophia?"

"What's going on?" Izzy murmured, her voice hoarse with the remnants of sleep. She slowly stood up, glancing between the two of us warily. "Where were you all day?"

Ethan momentarily glanced at her, before he looked back at me. "Nothing, Iz," he murmured. "You should go back to sleep."

Her brows drew together as she stared at him. "Why didn't you pick up my calls? I tried all day."

"I was busy," he muttered and met my stare. I stood up and walked over to him. I tried to grab his hand, but he shook his head and shifted out of my reach.

"Please let me help you," I said softly, trying to meet his gaze with my own. His jaw clenched as he looked away. "I know you won't do it for yourself, but what about us? Do it for us."

He remained silent, so I took another step towards him.

"You're not just hurting yourself, Ethan. You're hurting all of us," I murmured and he met my gaze, his eyes blank. I gently touched his shoulder. "Nobody wants to see you this way anymore. We have the resources to help you, but it will not work if you can't tell me that you'll at least try. That you'll stop running. That you'll show up when there's someone who needs to talk to you. That you'll tell someone when you're feeling a certain way instead of taking it out in other ways. I just need you to tell me that you'll try."

And although I didn't bring it up because Izzy was right here, I knew that the first place he needed to start was by telling me, telling all of us, what trouble he'd gotten himself into. He couldn't keep it buried anymore. I wouldn't allow it.

Elijah was leaving tomorrow to move out of his old home officially, and to bring back Olivia and Elle with him, but I'd make sure we talked before then.

Ethan searched my eyes, and I was positive that everything I was feeling was visible on my face. I was okay with that vulnerability if it meant that he'd do the same for me.

Finally, Ethan sighed.

"I just..." he trailed off. "I just need some more time."

It wasn't a yes, but it was something. Izzy and I exchanged a hopeful glance.

"Just give me one more week," he murmured, taking a deep breath. His eyes jumped between the two of us and I began to feel hope fill my heart. "One more week and then this—everything I've been doing to myself, to you guys—it'll all be over, I promise. Everything will be better then. I'll try and make things better for us."

Izzy and I exchanged another look, and then she moved, taking Ethan by surprise when she threw her arms around his waist. He blinked, hesitating a second before he wrapped his own arms around her. Izzy buried her face in his chest. "You'll be okay, Ethan," she whispered against his hoodie. I studied Ethan carefully as he pressed his face in her hair, briefly closing his eyes as he held her. "We both will. Thank you for agreeing."

Ethan offered her a small, joyless smile as she pulled away, before he glanced over at me. Izzy wandered off, mumbling something about going to bed, but I stayed behind.

"Why one week?" I couldn't help but finally ask, my mind racing as I processed his words. There was something so strange about what he'd said, yet I couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was. "Why not now?"

He held my gaze as he spoke, and I could've sworn, that there was something like hopelessness or despair shining in his smoke grey gaze, but it was gone in the blink of an eye.

"I'm just not ready yet," Ethan murmured.

"To try and get better?" I didn't understand.

There was something here. Something lingering just out of my grasp. A truth that I couldn't quite get my hands on yet; a truth that I couldn't comprehend just yet.

Ethan smiled, but his eyes were sad.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "To try and get better."

***

A/N: double meanings everywhere, guys. I hope you can see them.