Paper Dolls

Chapter 27

So a pattern sort of started on it own. We hang out together, girls come up to me usually all flirty and dressed to impress. I bring them over to our group and once they realise I'm one of the broke ones, they move on to the other guys in the group. 

I've never had a problem with this. Society is built in such a way that having money is considered the most desirable trait. It doesn't matter if you act like an asshole or look like the back of a bus, if you have money you get laid. 

And I'm the enabler. 

When you're the fuck up in the house, nights spent in a drunk haze with a girls soft body pressed against yours can be the perfect escape. 

Contrary to what I said earlier, there are still girls who prefer my company to my friends. We usually finish our business in the clubs or sometimes I go back to theirs.

Trust me this is all before you Eun Young. I would never cheat on you like that. Not when you're being so dedicated to your job and faithful to me. 

So last month I kind of got taken away with this girl who kind of reminded me of you. I was lonely and dispatch released a photo of you Sweet Poison girls at some dodgy place with some random douche bag guy. 

I felt really low. After studying the picture for a few hours I realised you were looking at the guy who's face was hidden by a cap and he was looking at you. Out all the Sweet Poison girls, he had to be looking at you. 

My mind started going to dark places and when my friends called me for a night out I jumped at the opportunity. 

There was a dark haired girl with a star shaped nose piercing (you would never put anything so gaudy on your face) and she was eyeing me from the bar. She had three friends with her so of course I did what was expected of me and invited her to our table. 

It's funny how girls get extra flirty when they see the platinum cards my friends dump on the table like their playing a card game. 

Anyway star shaped nose ring girl started pressing her fake boobs against my shoulder and I don't know why all I could think about was how you would never act like that. When she leaned over to take her drink and shoved her cleavage in my face, I didn't get as turned on as I usually would. 

I ended up getting drunk that night. The kind of wasted that makes me black out. The night was separated into small snippets of memory interspersed with blank slates. I only remember bits and pieces of it. 

But one of them is humiliating. 

Nose piercing girl took me to the washrooms - I swear I had no control over this - and then she went down on me. Which lead to the epitome of humiliation. I. Couldn't. Get. It. Up. 

This piece of that night has burned itself into my brain. It's never happened before and the girl looked up at me like I had some kind of disease. I'll never forget the pity on her face.

It was mortifying! After that the blank slate happened so I don't remember how I got home and in bed. All I know is that I woke up alone. 

The next day I tried to do it myself. I thought of the nose piercing girl and nothing happened. By this time I was convinced something was wrong with me until I tried listening to you sing to calm myself. 

All I needed to do was watch a solo interview of yours and bam I was working again. I did some research on this and apparently sometimes the fantasy can cause more excitement than the reality. Which kind of sucks because you're currently so unreachable and videos of you are hardly enough. 

I've been out a few times with those guys. Had a few girls hit on me, some of them really attractive but it's never been enough. 

The only person who get's me going is you. 

Which makes me wonder. Is it the fantasy of you or will us finally being intimate with each other fix me? 

I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. I can't wait for you to retire Eun Young. I know that's selfish but I really really love you and I can't wait for our relationship to start. 

It will be the next chapter of our lives. 

I saw your vlive yesterday. You were tired and on the verge of tears when a sassaeng called your phone. (Sorry I think it's my fault. I sold your number for some extra pocket money last week). 

But this only proves my point. We're both tired of our current lives. We need to move on, start something new together. 

I know Sweet Poison is scheduled to renew their contract in the middle of this year. It's been seven long years for you and boy have they been great. But I really hope you don't renew with the girls. I hope you give yourself a break and start focusing on your personal life. 

I think you need to. For both our sakes. 

Anyway I don't want to scare you off with this small problem of mine especially since I think you can fix it. It isn't a problem if it can be fixed, right? 

This letter will remain in my pile of drafts. But I will write a proper one that I can mail out eventually, okay? Love you, Eun Young. Don't work too hard and take care of yourself. 

Can't wait for us to meet. I'm literally counting down the days. 

Always yours, 

Hyeon