Paper Dolls

Chapter 10

I remember asking Dalia all those years ago about what it felt like being a trainee. I was ten and she was fourteen, a trainee in her early years at PT. She'd come back to visit for a few days and I had gone to visit her as soon as my parents allowed it. 

She told me about the lessons, the constant evaluations and the chances she had to perform in front of small crowds on stage. Dalia never painted the stressful atmosphere every other trainee - including me - experienced. One would think she actually enjoyed it. 

"How does it feel performing on stage? How do you do it?" I had stared at her in awe as I sat huddled on her bed, arms circled around my knees. 

She was going through her things on her small make shift dresser, counting the lip stick shades she had before stuffing them into the knapsack she carried everywhere. She was completely oblivious to my gawking but then again I had been her shadow for years. 

Maybe she was used to it. 

Maybe she was used to everyone staring at her, being a trainee at one of the biggest entertainment companies in Korea. 

"It's nice. I enjoy it. I enjoy the way I can manipulate the way the audience feels and reacts." 

"How?" I couldn't understand what she meant by that. Didn't performers just try their best and hope the audience loved them for it?

Dalia finally turned her attention to me and I suddenly felt self conscious, like I was the one on stage. She sauntered up to me and then jumped on her bed making me lose my balance. We giggled and then lay side by side, staring up at the plain plaster ceiling above our heads. 

"It's easy. Pretend you have a secret, a secret everyone else is dying to know. You tease them, lead them on but in the end the secret is still yours and they will never know. Trust me it will drive the audience crazy." 

"Wow, Unni. I've never thought about it like that." I replied in awe even though I never really understood what she meant by that. 

***

Up until today, I've always tried and tested that method of hers but the result has always been the same. No one can tell that I have a secret and no one looks like they want to know more. 

I really don't know how she did it. But I try my best to exude that aura of mystery on stage as I perform. The nerves are a constant threat that buzz at the tips of my fingers and toes but I try my best to keep them at bay by focusing on my next line or step. 

By the time the dance number is over I feel like a huge brick has been lifted off my chest. I did it. I performed without a single mistake. Once all the performances are over the fifteen of us take the stage again and wait for Mr. Yang's critiques. 

His eyebrows are bunched together as he focuses on the papers in his hands, most likely notes and scores of our performances. Now those are secrets I would kill to see. 

When he turns his attention to us, his gaze is pensive. Maybe a bit disappointed? 

Then without warning he fires out his opinions like bullets. There's no where to take cover, one by one he shoots us down and I see Grace wipe her eyes subtly from the corner of my eye. 

"Grace, you made such an obvious mistake. Your pitch was off in the second half, keep this up and you will never be able to perform again." 

"Rachel, you were off beat during the dance. I expected better." 

"JinJin, you were good but you are too comfortable it's boring. I want more." 

"Binna, dance is great as usual but your singing is sub par. I don't know if you are ready."