Bonfilius Series #1: Autumn Ends When

07 (Isn't this life about me?)

Chapter 7

Aki
Present

Ang sabi nila, lahat ng taong nabubuhay ay may rason kung bakit nananatili sila sa mundong ito. Isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit pa tayo nagpapatuloy ay dahil hindi pa tapos ang ating lakbayin. Na ang bawat pagsubok ay mayroong kapalit na maganda. Na ang bawat laban ang siyang nagpapatatag sa'tin.

Pero paano kung hindi ito ang laban na gusto ko? Paano kung hindi ito ang laban na kaya ko?

Paano kung ang totoong dahilan kung bakit pa ako nabubuhay ay dahil para pahirapan lang ako?

Paano kung bakit ako nahihirapan ay dahil wala naman talaga akong pakialam sa buhay na binigay sa'kin?

Am I evil? Am I bad? Am I selfish?

Noon ko pa iniisip na hindi ako mabuti, na simula nang gabing iyon, nakakasigurado na akong hindi na ako muling makakatanggap ng magandang balita sa buhay na ito. I'm a monster. A monster who isn't punished by death, but with a lifetime of agony instead. Dahil ang kamatayan ay isang madaling paraan upang matakasan ang lahat ng problema, that wouldn't even be considered punishment for people like me who wants to escape this kind of life. Kung paparusahan man ako, kailangan ko iyon maramdaman araw-araw na para bang isa akong immortal na hindi iyon matatakasan kailanman.

I used to feel every emotions. I used to feel happy. I used to feel pain. Pero ngayon...

Nakalimutan ko na kung anong pakiramdam nang masaktan. Hiniling ko noong mga panahong nasasaktan ako na sana'y hindi ko na iyon ulit maramdaman pa. But I never knew that having emotions and feeling nothing at all are just the same thing.

Mahirap na makita ang sarili kong repleksiyon sa salamin at maramdaman ang iba't-ibang emosyong tumatama sa'king dibdib ngunit hindi rin madali na makita ang mga taong nag-aalala sa'kin pero wala akong pakialam.

"How are you feeling?"

I'm staring at my wrist for almost an hour now. May maliit na bandage iyon na nagtatago sa mga sugat na ginawa ko kagabi. Nang magising ako at sumalubong sa'kin ang maliwanag at kulay puting kwarto ay agad kong natanto kung nasaan ako. I remembered what I did and I don't regret anything. Instead, I question why... why I'm still alive?

Binaba ko ang aking kamay sa malambot na kama ng hospital at ibinaling ang tingin sa kisame kung nasaan ang maliwanag na sinag ng bumbilya. I stare at it as if I can find answers behind the blinding light of it. I didn't.

Darkness. Dullness. Emptiness. Are those considered emotions? Dahil iyon lamang ang naiisip ko ngayon.

My mind isn't full with thoughts rather it feels like there's a hole inside it and I keep on searching and searching just to find nothing all over again.

Looking for something you don't know in the darkness isn't tiring, so I just keep going. I keep doing it. Kahit ang totoo ay wala akong pakialam kung may mahanap man ako.

That's how I feel. I live like what they are trying to tell me, search for thoughts like I am supposed to, force myself to care eventhough I don't, and continue opening eyes despite that there's nothing I can see in front of me. I'm not tired, but I don't think I'm being productive as well. I'm not sad, but I don't think I'm happy either. I just don't really care. For anything, for anyone. I don't care.

"Aki,"

My eyes darted on my left side and saw the man I first saw when I opened my eyes a while ago. He's still wearing the same clothes he was wearing when I met him on the street yesterday. His hair is exasperatedly hanging on his forehead as though they feel his emotions. Ang mga mata niyang kanina pa kumikinang dahil sa mga nagbabadyang luha ay puno ng emosyon na minsan ko nang naramdaman.