Am i not good enough? Is my grades that bad? If only I was good enough just to be like her but I was nothing no matter how hard I tried I'm just not good enough, or maybe this is all a dream and it's all in my mind I think if I don't try harder then I can get away from being so useless. Then I could make mama and papa proud of me. But she was always in the way she was always the favorite.
The one that everyone looked up to. Always doing what she wanted before anyone else did, even if they were older than her. But that's just who she is. Always in control, never satisfied, always wanting more and more, wanting the spotlight, the recognition for what she has done. She doesn't understand the simple things life has to offer other people, instead, choosing to live life like a spoiled brat.
She's always been that way, always wanting more, pushing them farther and farther down the road to achieve her goals.
How does it feel like to be perfect? To be up there? To have everything you ever want? To be able to do whatever you want without having to worry about repercussions? It's nice, isn't it? Being someone that everyone looks up to? Everyone admires you, wants you as their equal because you're better than everyone else.
Why are you so selfish? Always thinking about yourself. Yet here I am being number 2. How is that fair?
I'll never be on top. I'll never amount to anything, I'll never be anything other than what I am now.
So why do I bother living? Why do I keep trying to accomplish impossible things? But I still want to keep trying and trying, I don't want to give up everything that I worked hard on. But if I can't have any achievements then I at least want something good to happen in my life.
I'll never win. I'm always going to lose against her. And every time we come face to face with each other she's always the winner, always the most beautiful, talented, confident, popular girl.
So I have to keep competing, no matter how hard it gets. No matter how badly I want to go back home, the only place I ever felt safe. Because that would mean accepting the fact that I won't ever be anywhere near good enough. Never be good enough for my own parents.
Never be enough for myself. That'd be admitting defeat.
Maybe it won't hurt as much if I stop trying? Maybe once I let myself accept defeat and stop trying then I can start to move on from this life. This endless cycle. The one that always brings me down.
