All this Time

Gabby

7th March

It's Saturday and Lydia and I have been in California since Thursday morning, the morning after I walked out on Nathan in order to clear my head and make sense of the mess I'd inadvertently made.

Dallas and Drayton haven't been here, both of them travelling for work but Dallas comes back at mid morning while Lydia and I are sitting in the sand in our swim wear. Lydia thinks we're here for a vacation, she has no idea that Nathan and I haven't spoken and I feel like a monster for dragging her away from another man I'd allowed her to trust and love.

Dallas comes out onto the sand after she's put her luggage in her bedroom. She's holding a box, the front of it shows that inside is a collection of paints, brushes and stencils. Dallas sits down beside me, stretching her toned legs out on the warm grains. She kisses me on the cheek and hands the box to Lydia.

"Monster, this is from uncle Drayton. He asked if you could paint him something special that he can hang in his office at work."

Lydia, sitting in her rash shirt and shorts, specks of sand sticking to her skin, grabs the box and grins. "He always gives me presents."

Dallas laughs, nodding. "He does spoil you rotten, doesn't he?"

Lydia stands up and tucks the box under her arm, I watch her every move. Each little expression on her face, her happiness, her content smile, her innocence. I want to absorb it, retain it, never take her childhood for granted for one moment.

"It's not spoiling," Lydia wraps her arm around Dallas' head and gives her an awkward hug. "It's kindness. Because he knows I love to paint so he gives me stuff I love."

Dallas nods, slow and enlightened. "You're so right. In that case, you better go and paint him something incredible. He loves your art work."

Lydia assesses her legs. "But I've got sand on me."

Dallas brushes her hands over her legs, removing a little bit of the sand but not all of it. "That'll do," she says. "You can sit in the kitchen and paint on the island if you want to."

My little girl rushes off after that and I watch, heart on my sleeve, heart breaking at all of the things I can never protect her from in life. I'm not sure what's happening to me in this couple of weeks. So much has changed so fast and I wish I could dig my heels into the ground, prevent moments from slipping past me, keep life suspended in the moments I can control.

It hits me over and over again that Lydia will grow and change and she'll face pain and there will never be anything I can do to stop it because that's life. I don't know if I'm strong enough to watch it though. All I want is to put us both in the absolute safest scenario, to do my best to ensure she grows up the happiest she can be.

Dallas turns to me, folding her legs, grains of sand trickle over her smooth skin. "He pushed you away, didn't he?"

"Dallas, no," I turn into her so we're facing each other front on now. "That's not what happened. I did the damage here. I practically begged him to commit to me and then he did and I-"

"You panicked? It got real."

Swallowing, I lower my head, ashamed at how I handled things. "Mom text me this morning. She told me I did the right thing because Nathan wasn't someone that would settle down and she'd just been humoring me when I told her we were together."

I'm not looking at Dallas but I can feel her shift in discomfort. That's her brother, she loves him, she doesn't want to hear people talking about him like that.

"I don't believe her," I say, lifting my gaze and meeting her furrowed brows. She's biting her tongue, I can tell. "I know Nathan loves me and it's different. Somehow, he wants to be different for me."