All this Time

Nathan

20th January

I stand in my room after blowing up at Gabs and think about how much of an asshole I was.

She was honest with me, she told me she could end up wanting more and I told her I couldn't give her that.

Instead of telling her that I'm fucking terrified of the exact same thing.

Gabrielle makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time and yeah, that terrifies me because she's not available. She's just come out of a relationship she's been in since high school. She has a daughter and maybe I'm an asshole, but I don't know if I'm the right person to be a step father.

That's an entire fucking child that gets caught in the middle of the pain if Gabrielle and I don't work out.

When things end, I lose a step daughter because they're a package deal. I wouldn't take one without the other, which means I'd end up saying goodbye to a little friend and I'm already pretty fond of that kid. She's cool.

There's just so much at risk and I'm a coward, I know I am.

I should tell her that. I should tell her I'm scared of how I feel.

My hand wraps around the door knob and I pause. Lydia doesn't even know her mom and dad aren't together. She thinks the fucker is sick. She might like me as a friend but I don't want to be the reason she gets life long trust issues when her mom starts kissing some other dude that isn't her father.

I step back from the door and pace, walking around with my hands on my hips. She's better off without me. Both of them are. What happens if I go into that room and tell her I'm scared of falling in love with her?

She's already told me that she is too. So then what? We admit that starting something is a bad idea and we continue living our lives under the same roof, knowing we want each other but not letting it happen?

This is painful. Fucking painful. I feel hot and I'm already shirtless.

The door suddenly bursts open and Gabs stands there in her t-shirt and thong, her long legs meeting her hips, the little dips like handles I want to wrap my hands around.

She looks like she's about to rip me a new one until she notices I'm practically sweating.

"What?" I ask.

The hardness returns to her face and she points at me. "I think I want to know why you won't commit to people. You're always talking and being honest. Be honest about that."

"I was in a relationship like six months ago. I'm just. . . careful with my commitment."

Her features screw up as she recoils. "Is there something about me that makes you think you it wouldn't be careful to commit?"

"When did this line of questioning become about you?"

I might as well have slapped her. "Fuck you," she snaps and turns on her heel.

Following the storm, I catch her door before it slams on my face and she turns around, her cheeks reddened.

"You're kidding, right?" She folds her arms, flattening her shirt to her braless chest. I can't do this shit. I'm so fucking disgusting. "I practically asked you if there was a chance you'd want to commit to me and you said you couldn't give me what I wanted."

I shake my head. "You and I are remembering that conversation a little differently."

She's not entirely wrong, in a way, she did ask if I would be capable of giving that to her, but I'm a fucking coward.

She scoffs. "You understood what the undertone was, Nathan."

"Then you should've left it alone and stayed in bed, Gabrielle. I said, what I said. Besides, you told me the exact same thing. You're afraid of wanting more and it's not a good time, so it's best we don't go there, right? How is this all on me?"