Worth the Trouble ✓

epilogue

But despite Georgia's machinations, I won't pursue Suki now that she's single, even after some arbitrary post-breakup grace period passes, even though we both drunkenly admitted feelings. Especially not because of that night. The sort of honesty I asked for that night was unconditional. I'd feel dirty using the things we discussed just to win her back. I wanted it to be deeper than flirting. I wanted to know her, just know her, finally.

And this is her life, her home. I still feel like a guest in so many ways.

I won't disturb anything she doesn't want me to disturb, touch anything she doesn't me to, love anything she doesn't want.

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I gave Cassie a bath after we returned from her swimming lessons today.

It's nearly getting too cold to swim comfortably, the air stinging instantly after Cassie gets out of the pool, October weather in Washington sunny but the cold sort.

I think Suki secretly loves that she gets to teach me how to parent in retrospect. Naturally, my lateness is not ideal, but now she gets to teach me all her preferred techniques and document all my moments of weakness and strength, like when I first got Cassie to lean back in the water and rest her round little head in my palm so I could scoop water onto her scalp and wash away the shampoo suds and nearly cried.

I realized the trust a kid has to have in someone to topple backwards in the water, and expect their hands waiting to catch them, and just felt so grateful.

There's this other thing called feeding to sleep, which apparently is bad. Infants become drowsy after eating, which some parents use to get them to go to bed, but Suki insists that it makes a child unable to sleep on an empty stomach, which becomes a problem later in development. (Another fact to file away.)

So always after dinner, Cassie colors or plays a game until her bedtime. The rest of tonight, I'll just read to her until she gets drowsy. On the couch, her light, warm body curls up in my lap. I spread a picture book over my knees for her to look at; it's an anti-racism book staffed by jungle animals. Some animals have stripes and some have big fur and some are really far from where their family originally comes from, and that's what makes the jungle so vibrant and interesting.

I set her down on the mattress and tuck the blanket up to her chin. I have twenty more minutes till I have to catch the bus. For now, I just watch her in her bassinet. She likes staring at me. I like staring at her, her thin strands of dark brown hair and round hazel eyes. My eyes. I hope she gets all my good parts and none of the bad.

The door opens. The light turns off, the hallway illuminating the nursery with long shadows. Somehow I can tell it's Suki instead of Georgia just by the quality of the silence. She comes to stand beside me, holding the fuzzy puppy toy that plays a piano lullaby whenever its tail is stretched out, the winding of some interior music box.

She starts the melody and puts it down by Cassie's head, who I'm too absorbed with to even look away from. "How's it been?"

"Generally, or?"

Suki puts a hand on my back, almost resting her head against my shoulder. "The summer. Your time with Cassie. Fatherhood."

"I'm more terrified than ever," I say to the dark, which makes Suki draw away imperceptibly, "but I think there's no love this large without some fear. It's the price, I think, so I'm willing to pay. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Suki swallows, making an odd nonchalant grunt. "How wise."

We both just watch Cassie's blinks getting longer and longer until my phone starts vibrating: my alarm. The absolute latest I should leave the house before I'll be late for my bus back to the city. I turn it off and fold my arms on the bassinet railing, leaning my head down.