Where It Leads Us

Chapter Sixty-one

Lauren immediately opened the note as soon as we got back inside the car. It was almost midnight when we just finished visiting four cities in California today. Before she decides to read it, she took a moment to close her eyes and breathe deeply.

The piece of paper was slightly larger than the other notes we had previously retrieved. Since it wasn't mine, to begin with, I merely let her read it when I grew intrigued about what was written which made her face scowling.

I observe how her eyes move before she covers her lips and reads them quietly. After waiting for her to finish reading, I noticed that she had been staring at the note for so long that tears had begun to fall from her eyes. She instantly sobbed, covering her face with the palms of her hands, and I try my best not to freak out at the sight of her.

I took the note on her lap and read the contents of it:

to mom, dad, and lauren:

for the infinite distance that separates our bodies, my soul will remain wherever you have found me.

pieces that resembled the passion that kept me burning for a while, which has allowed me now to be free.

i will always have a memory of you when i leave, and may you forgive me for what i did.

i will forever long for the days when life used to be better in the presence of all places where the greatest memories have formed, knowing now that they will either haunt or keep us close by.

if only the brokenness would heal me whole, again. if only time can mend me quicker. if only being broken, sad, and used were considered still beautiful, too, then maybe i would've stayed.

someday, in some other lifetime, will my star feel as if it truly belonged and i am certain that there, it will choose to stay, closer to where you are, forever.

Her sister's letter was only an ordinary one. There were no clues as to how or even where we would be able to draw a clue out of it.

We got the note from a small art gallery in Anaheim, as he informed me that this was the last place she and her family visited following the death of her sister, which was later followed by the death of her parents.

Even though she appeared fragile beside me, I instantly noticed a trace of bravery on her face. I was aware that visiting such places, which contained so many memories that now just served to torment her, required a lot of guts and strength on her part, making me love her even more.

Lauren shakes her head the moment she removed her hands from her face. This time she cried softly, so I swiftly cradled her cheeks and let her forehead rest on mine.

I hushed her as she closed her eyes. I wiped away the tears on her cheeks with my thumbs as I kissed her forehead.

"It's okay, I'm here and I'll still be here," I told her.

She shakes her head, "I just don't understand," she says. Lauren opens her eyes as she moved, making distance for us, "After all these note-hunting, retrieving, or whatever this is that she wanted me to do, this is all I get."

I watch as Lauren crumples the paper into her hands and tosses it.

"I shouldn't have retrieved these notes if only I knew that I wouldn't get anything out of them," she says as she rests her head on the palm of her hand while she rests her elbow on the window, looking out.

I was aware that my current situation with her was a result of all these journeys. If she hadn't contacted me that day to meet up with her and decided not to tell me all about this, I wouldn't get to know her very well. I'm curious why she chose me when all I can think about is how not to break a part of her with all these things I'm holding and keeping from her. I wonder what she saw in me that made her think I'm trustworthy enough, knowing too well that I couldn't even trust myself completely.

I cupped her cheeks and made her face me. I felt myself crumbling as I saw the agony in her eyes carve a bigger hole in her soul as she stared into mine.

"Let's go home?" I asked as I plastered a smile on my face.

Lauren closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before nodding her head and smiling at me. I planted a soft kiss on her lips before we took a route back home.

❀

I check on Lauren and observe her as she sleeps while I park my car in front of their house. I unbuckled my seatbelt and watched her for a moment, wondering what would happen now that our note-retrieving trip was over. She had her head resting on the window as she shifts her body, still asleep.

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. As the note and my dad's involvement in the investigation of her parents' cold case passed through my thoughts, I had a knot in my throat holding my secrets captive as I still can't bring myself to tell her.

I could feel myself sighing as I cursed at myself for being such a wuss as I avoided hitting my head on the steering wheel. I was aware that she would get hurt, but I just couldn't bear to see her go through it again, especially because I now knew that this time it would be my fault.

"I love you," I whispered, "And I'm sorry."

I watch as Lauren's eyes immediately open, making my heart jump inside my ribcage. I immediately shake her hand, pretending as if I tried to wake her up just now.

As soon as I release her hand, she begins to rub her eyes. I notice her eyes widen as she quickly collects her belongings in the backseat, and looks over her side after she checked the time on her phone.

"Shit, it's almost three!" She says as she hurriedly picked up the trash that was on the floor of the car.

After opening the car door, Lauren took off her seatbelt. She turned to gaze back at me as I looked at her, silently.

"Thank you," she says, calmly. "I wouldn't have done this with anyone else and I'm glad that it was with you."

As I saw her run towards their front porch, she leaned towards me and kissed my cheek, then slams the car door. I smile as I watch her reach for something inside her bag before unlocking their door. She waved goodbye as she entered their house, closing the door after.

I let out a long sigh, briefly closed my eyes, and nodded in agreement with the ideas going through my head. I have to come clean tomorrow and get it all over with.

***