EX // Minsung

32. One step forward and three steps back

Jisung didn't care who it was that shouted his name, he just kept walking. Or maybe he kept walking because he knew who the voice belonged to.

"Jisung, I can see you! WAIT UP!"

Suddenly two arms embraced him from behind. "Jisung, please don't shut me out again." It was Sam who was hugging him tightly.

"I just want to be alone." Jisung said while trying to peel Sam's arms off of him. It was no use.

"I thought you were coming to class again, why are you leaving now?" Sam's arms were still tightly wrapped around Jisung and there wasn't any sign he would let go.

"I was just handing in my missed assignments and retaking the test I missed." Jisung was starting to feel embarrased by how weak he had gotten this past week. He couldn't even turn around in Sam's arms to face him. "How did you even know I was going to class "again"?"

"Lewis texted me, he told me he saw you leave the dorm this morning. I mean, it was really early, but I thought I'd see you in class again." Finally Sam let go of his embrace so that Jisung could turn to speak to Sam.
Jisung opened his mouth to say something, but someone else spoke first.

"Do you need Sam to stay with you today?" Behind them the teacher stood in the opening of the door.

"No, it's fine-"

"No, really Jisung. I can tell you need someone. Sam has been doing really well in my class anyway." Then she turned to Sam. "You're excused from this class, make sure you attend the next one though."

Sam nodded. "Thank you, ma'am."

Jisung wanted to go against her word, but the teacher had already started welcoming other students into the classroom and wasn't paying attention to the two friends anymore.

"Jisung, you're taking me to your dorm right now and I'm going to be here for you. You don't have a choice."

Jisung sighed, knowing he couldn't win from Sam. Not in this state at least. Defeated he let Sam take his hand and drag him back to his dorm.

"Jisung, I've been so worried about you! You know I always am but it just hurt so much to see you suffer all alone. I wish I could have done more." Sam hugged him again as soon as they had closed the door behind them. Luckily Lewis wasn't in the dorms, he was probably in class by now.

"You stopped texting me." Jisung didn't say much more, he didn't hug Sam back either.

"That was only because you wouldn't let me in anyway and it started to interfere with my schoolwork." Sam didn't even sound offended, he probably tried to understand how Jisung felt. "Besides that, Lewis said he would take care of you. I never would've left you alone for so long if I knew you weren't in good hands."

Sam had stopped hugging Jisung and just held his hands now. Jisung only now truely realised how selfish he had been, asking Sam and Lewis to spend all their time taking care of him.

"I see that he hasn't helped much though. He told me he would at least make sure you would eat, but you look so skinny now." Sam's eyes filled with tears. And even though he didn't really cry, when Sam blinked a tear rolled down his face.

That was the second time in one day someone had mentioned how skinny he looked. It must've been very visible. The teacher had also noticed he didn't look well. She had said something about that too, but even if she hadn't, sending Sam with him was enough to know.

"Is this why there was cake in the fridge almost everyday?" Jisung did think it was weird that Lewis had bought so many sweets the past week. He kept texting Jisung that he bought too much so he should just have some as well.

Sam nodded, "he also prepared meals for you to warm up."

Jisung thought about the dozens of meals that were still in the freezer. All untouched. He hadn't even realised all the effort Lewis had put into his wellbeing. And Jisung felt like an idiot for not taking the help that had been offered to him.

Without saying anything Jisung walked to the freezer and opened it. All the pre-made meals were in little containers. Every container was labelled something different.
He took out the lasagna with tears in his eyes. Then he turned to Sam.
"You should eat some too, I can't eat it all alone anyway."

Sam understood that Jisung had been having trouble eating and that even if Sam wasn't hungry, Jisung just needed someone to eat with.
Sam grabbed something he thought Jisung would want the least and put both of their meals in the microwave to heat up.

"Thank you for eating." Sam pulled Jisung into a tight hug again. This time Jisung hugged Sam back. He couldn't hug Sam as tightly as he wanted to, he had lost quite a lot of strenght.

Sam put their food on plates when it was done. The lasagna was steaming and it smelled amazing. For as amazing as reheated food can smell of course. Jisung's stomach even started growling.
Carefully he put a bite into his mouth, but after even just one taste he began crying. He looked at the lasagna and smelled it once again. As quick as he could he began shoving it all down his throat.

"Woah, Jisung, be careful! It's still hot." Sam wanted to take the plate from Jisung, but Jisung held it with all his might.

"Lewis didn't make this." Jisung said through his tears and his mouth still stuffed with lasagna.

"What do you mean? Of course he did, he made you all the meals in the freezer."

"Maybe he helped, but it's not his, he didn't make it."

"Jisung, I really can't follow you. What do you mean?" Sam asked really confused, thinking Jisung must've been too starved to think straight.

"Minho made it."

Sam went silent, not knowing what to say.

"Minho made it." Jisung repeated, as if it should make sense to Sam now. "I can tell you think I've gone mad, but he did! He really did!"

"How do you know?"

Jisung let all his tears roll down his cheeks, "because he made it for me on our first real, big date. It's the same. It's his recipe."

"Jisung, I think-"

"It's the same! I'm not crazy, this is Minho's food!" If he could have hugged the lasagna, he would. Anything to be close to Minho again.
Jisung was nowhere near passing the five stages of grief. He didn't know where he was, but he definitely wasn't even past denial yet. But he was so sure though, this definitely was Minho's cooking.

"I should ask him, I know he probably doesn't want me to, but I need to know!" Jisung started to frantically search for his phone.

"Jisung, you should probably-"

"I just need to ask him, just this one thing, nothing more. I promise, Sam."

"No, Jisung, you-"

"It's okay, you can stop looking out for me, I feel fine."

"Jisung!"

"What?"

"Besides the fact that it is a horrible idea to call your ex, you can't, okay?"

"Why not?"

"Well, because..." Sam hesitated, but Jisung wasn't having any of it.

"Sam, what is it?!"

"Minho is in the hospital."

Jisung froze. Everytime Jisung had a moment of clarity, it felt like life hit him with a big, stone cold brick again.

"What... what happened?" Jisung asked carefully.

"He had another suicide attempt."