If I Stay✔️

52

What if I'm ready for everything to be over?

***

Oliver snores slightly, the sound reminding me that I'm not alone. I gulp softly, scared that in the silent room he may be able to hear the loudness in my head. I hated the fact that I was in a shared room. I hated that there was never going to be a moment of alone time. Someone would always be watching, always be judging. It's funny really, how one moment you feel so lonely and the next you want nothing more than to be alone.

Glancing at Oliver through the corner of my eye, I feel the tension in my shoulders relax a little. His eyes are closed, his breathing's deep. He's fast asleep, he can't hear them. Everything's okay.

Daylight breaks through the uncovered window, hues of orange and yellow mixing to one, the sight reminding me that I've yet to sleep. You're not safe. What if he hurts you just like Marco did? I exhale heavily, my eyes wide open as I take another glance at Oliver. They're right. I can't sleep. He could hurt me in the ways I never want to be hurt again.

I ring my hands together nervously and bite my lip to muffle my own pathetic terror filled whimpers. Get a grip, Leo. You're okay. Everything's okay. Exhaling a shaky breath, I nod to myself, everything's okay. I repeat over and over in my mind, hoping the sound of my own words would somewhat dilute the whispers of my demons. Of course it doesn't, it never does.

I hesitantly close my eyes. Sleep just sleep, you can do it. I toss and turn and continuously peek at Oliver for what feels like hours. My heart pounds harshly against my rib age as my anxiety increases. I can't find a safe way to sleep. Oliver could wake up at any moment, and I hate the fact that his presence makes me feel so vulnerable — so terrified and unsure. He could be harmless, but I don't know him well enough to make that assumption.

You thought Marco was harmless. You thought Maya was harmless. You thought Zac loved you. You thought your family loved you. I blink back my tears, gulping away the harsh lump in my throat. I'll never forgive myself for being so wrong about Marco. Due to my own naivety, I allowed him to steal away parts of me that I'll always miss. But with all I lost, he also managed to steal away  parts I'm thankful to no longer have.

The part where my trust was blindly given. One show of compassion and empathy from him, led to me sharing everything I'd never spoke aloud. And in doing so, it aided in me becoming a shell of who I was before. I thought I was lost then, I thought things couldn't possibly get any worse. If only I knew then how wrong I was. If only I could see the malice behind his false show of tenderness. At least now I know I'll never make that same mistake, I'll never trust again, regardless of how much someone shows they deserve it.

It's not just the presence of another boy that's keeping me from sleeping. It's the main factor, but not the only one. This place is just so different from what I'm used too. Nothing feels familiar. Nothing feels like home — if I can even still call it that. The smell of detergent on the bedspread is different, the pillows are softer, the sheets are heavier, and even the sounds are different.

I can't hear the random bird that would tap against my bedroom window at three am. I can't hear Kaden and Killian argue over who's stolen who's favourite pillow. I can't hear Grey scolding them for being awake so late. I can't hear Jack sleep talking from down the hall. I can't hear Alex randomly cleaning and rearranging at all hours of the night. I can't hear Callan mumbling sweet nothings on his many late night calls to Sofia, or Carter joining in to piss him off. I can't hear the gentle hum of Ace's sleep sound machine. I can't hear Lily sneak down the hallway with Charlie to go out and look at the stars. I miss it, I miss them.

I miss how Zac would quietly open my bedroom door just to check on me throughout the night. I miss how he would stroke my hair whilst I pretended to be asleep. I miss how he would whisper that he loved me before quietly leaving the room. And in realising just how much I missed him, missed them, my heart feels a little less full than it did a week ago.