Who am I to you / Xiaother & Kazuheiscara

Vent Kinda

Okay so like i realized i might kin scaramouche and this is really bad news.

I'm having a mental breakdown rn very nice. I just hate myself. I hate how i have ended up.

I used to be a kind and pure kid, too kind with everyone now im just slowly losing it. I cant do this anymore fuck.

Like i don't even know if im gonna make it this year, it's already getting bad and school hasn't even started.

I used to be my family's pride until middle school that i started failing. I started arguing more with my mom because i wanted a bit of freedom, i was tired of studying all day non-stop but my grades got bad and then i started lying.

I started lying about everything to the point she has lost completely her faith in me. Now we argue all the time. I don't hate her, she's my mom after all and we have some good moments but she just won't understand me. She can't understand her expectations are too high and I'm just a human.

My father is the only one i have, my sister too kinda but she's younger so she doesn't really understand. My father is the only one i have but he has health problems and im scared.

I cant lose him, i just cant he's the only one who understands me and im the only one who understands him.

Every night i keep having panic attacks and mental breakdowns because of overthinking. I'm the worst sister, my little sis is starting to grow up and she's starting middle school. I dont want her to go through what i did and repeat my mistakes but I'm not capable of guiding her and it hurts me. I can't help her because im already too shit myself. I've always helped others and never focused on myself.

I got burnt out and now I'm not capable to comfort anyone and she's having problems with toxic friends and i wanna help but i need to focus a bit on myself. I dont know what im supposed to do. I keep pushing her away accidentally, i dont mean to push her away. She needs to open up to people more. She's really sensitive, way more sensitive than me.

She cries with the slightest thing and I'm always the one to protect her but i can't do this anymore. I'm just a terrible sister. Also i love my dad so much but i feel like i dont do enough for him. He's been arguing a lot with mom and im always the one to break them apart and then i get into trouble for stopping them.

My mom doesn't understand how hard my dad tries and works for us, she just keeps asking for more and more and she expects too many things from us.

And i get it that she probably has her own problems but she needs to control her anger issues. It's not my fucking fault she's pissed all the time. Nothing is enough for her. And i know that deep down she loves me but she can't understand me. She doesn't even try to.

"why were you crying, did you lose in your little game?" no i didn't fucking lose anything in genshin, but today morning i was suffering at 5am from period pain and i went downstairs to take a painkiller but it started acting up after an hour. I was writing the previous chapter while waiting for the pain to go away and then i couldn't fall asleep again. It's the third day in a row this happens to me and the pain is way worse than other times. Today i slept like 4 hours and what she said to my grandpa was "she's so busy these days playing games, today she woke up at 7am for a new update" no i fucking didn't. I woke up at 5am because of the pain. And i told her multiple times today and she didn't believe me until i started crying about it.

Last year was a living hell, i was 👌 close to ending everything but i kept living cuz if i die then the pain is gonna end but i hate myself so i want me to suffer. And the greatest suffering is living. So i kept pushing and pushing but rn im at my fucking limit. I thought summer would help me relax and feel better but as school comes closer i start getting panic attacks and mental breakdowns cuz this year will be even worse than the last one, I'm starting high school and I've heard that the one I'm gonna go at is way way more difficult than my middle school. So like yeah idk if i can make it for 3 years like this.

Anyways yeah thanks for reading this if you read it, sorry for ruining your hopes if you expected a new chapter. I'll probably feel better in some minutes and continue it. I just needed to vent

(oh and that's only half my problems, I also have problems at my volleyball team but I'll talk about them another time)

And yeah sorry for ruining the mood i just needed to let it out