On Set Love •Joseph Quinn•

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*Joseph's POV*

An invisible force squeezes my pained heart as I walk through the threshold into my apartment, knowing that she's not following behind me. I drop my bag to the floor as Luna runs over to me. I smile softly and bend down to pet her.

I stand up and walk to my bedroom to change. I try to blink back the tears brimming in my eyes. I can't keep crying every time I come home. But I had to do it. I had to distance myself from her. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being around her and not being able to love her, knowing that she's not truly mine, that the future I want with her so badly will never happen.

I knew that being around her would only break my heart further. But now, all I feel is regret. I miss her more than anything. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and is somewhere else—with her.

I don't know what to do. She was like the sun to my earth. She pulled me in with her gravitational force. I depended her warmth and light to survive. But then that force was cut and I'm drifting off into a dark, freezing, endless abyss. 

I hate coming home. I used to look forward to it. It was a time that would be filled with her. It didn't matter what we were doing, I just got to be close to her. But now it's just silent and emptiness, besides Luna. And I can't sleep. The bed feels so cold and empty without her besides me. I miss the way that she would snuggle into me before she fell asleep, and the way that she would play with my hair. I miss her laugh and smile. And the way she would speak to the cats like they could understand her. I miss everything about her and it feels as if all the color has been drained from my life. I've never been this in love with someone before, and I didn't even notice for the longest.

Or really, I just refused to admit it. I remember the exact night that I knew. I was only looking at her... I was only fucking looking at her and that was all it took. I couldn't run from the truth. I am completely and utterly in love with Keira Thomas.

And after admitting it, I also couldn't ignore the underlying pain that occurred when I was around her. And that's why I had to push her away. Because if I didn't now, then I don't think I ever would be able. And she would find someone else that she actually wants to be with, and I'll have to suffer from the side lines. And just the thought of that breaks me like no other.

Now it feels like suffering from a whole different dimension. I always find myself wondering if the pain of not being hers outways the pain of not having her in my life at all, but it's too late to change it now. I've already made my decision, and I'll think about it for the rest of my life wondering if it was the right one.

I spend every single second missing her. Every thought in my mind is about her. I see things in the store and think of her. I almost go to her trailer after we're done filming for the day and then realize that I can't.

Being around her now is just painful. I can barely even look or think about her without starting to cry, so I try to separate myself from her, which is also hard. Every part of me craves to be around her.

And I worry that one day, I'll forget the way it feels to hug her. The exact scents of her shampoo and conditioner. The tones of her laugh. The butterflies that I felt around her—which were a completely different breed than any other I've felt before. That the scent of her perfume will fade from my sheets. I'm afraid that the details of her will slowly start to disappear from my brain and I'll have to struggle to remember. And already, small things are fading, I can feel it. I rush to grab onto them, but I can't. They drift behind the walls of my subconscious where I can't reach them, no matter how much I fight against it.

I don't know how I'll live my life after we finish filming the season. After the final connection between the two of us is cut. She's what keeps me alive. She's the love of my life. And I know with everything that I am that she's my soulmate—even if I'm not hers. And I will forever be in love with her. Until I breathe my very last breath. But that won't be the end of us. I will find her in my next life, and every single one after that, and love her with my entire heart because that is what my soul was created for—to love her with everything that I have.

I shouldn't have given her up. I know that now. She's my everything. I should've been happy with the relationship that we had—even if it wasn't everything that I wanted. But I got greedy, and now I've lost her. I'll be only a chapter in the book of her life, while she is the title of mine.

A picture of her smiling back at me fades away as her contact name solidifies on the screen. My heart skips a beat. She hasn't tried to text or call the entire time we've been apart, why is she calling now? It's probably important. I push away the signals in my brain telling me that I can't get sucked back into her force, that our one-sided love relationship isn't sustainable, and listen to my heart, which is telling me to answer her call.