DEAR ROSALIND, ᵖᵃⁿˢʸ ᵖᵃʳᵏⁱⁿˢᵒⁿ ✔︎

† good old fashioned lover boy

may 25, 1998

my dearest rosalind,

do you remember when your parents sent us to stay with the order of the phoenix for the week?

it was getting dangerous at home, being spies must've been so hard on your parents. i was staying at your place, my parents were off committing evils we couldn't have dreamed of then.

we shared a bed. it was in a room with ginny and hermione. that's the only time i've ever found them tolerable.

we went downstairs when it was late, dodging that creepy house elf. we wanted to see if molly had left and dessert out(spoiler alert: she didn't).

we heard music and glanced into the kitchen. there was remus lupin and sirius black, dancing together. they'd dragged up an old record player, a dusty record case beside it.

it was good old fashioned lover boy by queen. we sat in the doorway, watching. they were so in love they didn't even notice.

you pulled me up, despite my not wanting to dance. we left the door open just a crack, we needed music after all.

i've never felt more comfortable in my own skin. i miss that version of me. the pansy that loved herself and accepted herself simply because there were two gay men in the next room simply existing. the pansy who thought it was enough just to be alive and breathing with you, my rosy.

the pansy who had you. we danced away, and you replaced every "good old fashioned lover boy" with "good old fashioned lover girl." you told me endless whispers of love. you told me i was forever your girl.

we weren't given the simple blessing of forever.

we weren't even given eighteen years, rose. we had seventeen years. you had seventeen years. we only spent twelve years knowing each other. we only spent three years loving each other the way i wish i'd loved you all along.

i didn't love you enough. maybe if i loved you enough you'd still be here rosy.

maybe we'd be sitting next to each other in my bed. telling endless secrets till midnight. maybe we'd kiss and touch each other into the early hours of the morning and sleep till noon.

maybe if i loved you enough you wouldn't have died.

forever apologetic,
pansy e. parkinson