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— you drew stars around my scars —
tw // self harm
taeyong chews the back of his pencil as he stares at the test paper in front of him. a 76 on 100. the more he stares at the numbers written in bold red ink, the more he wants to crumble the paper in his fist and tear it into tiny pieces.
he's sitting on his study chair inside his room. there's a window on his left and he looks out of it. there are cars and bikes moving on the streets and people walking on the sidewalk. from above here, it looks like everyone down there is happy, without a care of the world.
taeyong wants to jump. no, not in a 'i'm so tired, i want to die' way but he wants to be out of his cramped apartment. he wants to run away somewhere, where he can finally be at peace. if that is even possible.
he often imagines himself in a lush green field, with colourful flowers everywhere. a bright blue sky above his head and clouds like cotton floating. the smell of the plants tingle his nose and the wind blows through his hair. as far as his vision allows, the only colours he can see are blue and green. he is alone but free.
his phone rings and he flinches at the sound. he reads the caller's name with a sigh. it's his mom.
the picks up the call and places it on his ear as he waits for his mom to speak.
"taeyong, sweetheart, how are you?"
he takes a deep breath, gathering the courage to speak in a cheerful tone. the last thing he wants is his mother worrying because of him.
"mom, i'm good. how's everything there?" he says ,in a voice that sounds fake even to him.
"everything is great here. your dad misses you a lot"
"i miss him too" taeyong doesn't know if that's the truth or if he just said it for the sake of his mother. he doesn't want to think.
"taeyong, you got your test paper today?" she asks and taeyong's breath hitches "a 76, mom" he manages to say.
"ohh.."
there is silence and neither of them speak. taeyong closes his fingers tightly into a fist. he feels like he's standing in a court, waiting for the judge's final verdict.
"that's… that's nice, baby" she's attempting to comfort him. "but that's not you. you have so much potential, yong. you used to get above 90s every time. what happened now? is there something bothering you?"
taeyong's eyes land on the test paper and he flips it upside down so he won't see the scores written on it. it's a proof of his failure.
"it's just.." he starts "it's nothing. this semester has been more difficult than i thought. it won't happen again"
"i know it won't. you're a smart boy" his mom chuckles. "you know how proud everyone is going to be once you get your degree? i would finally be able to brag to your aunts about it" she says, laughing and taeyong has never felt so disgusted. he clenches his fist tight, his nails digging into his palm, almost drawing blood.
