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sixty three | ninja

Bree's POV

Elijah isn't here. My first day back at school, as I am finally ready to face him again—to look into those broken eyes as they stare at me with nothing. No love, no admiration, only a hollowness that I dug.

Jamie stands by his locker. My eyes are so used to searching for him at the start of the school day that I can't help but do it again. Elijah shares everything with him. There's no doubt he knows about what happened.

Students fill the halls, all ready for class. The noise of their voices drown out the racing of my heart.

When his eyes accidentally land on mine, he is mid-conversation and goes completely silent. That kind, unstoppable energy that I associate with Jamie is gone. It confirms my suspicions; he knows. Or at least he knows enough to step away from his group of friends and walk over to my locker with murder in his gaze.

"Don't look at me. Don't ever look at me." He stops in front of me, the tips of his shoes nearly touching mine. He towers over me, and with the look in his eyes I nearly take a step back. "I . . ." His eyes dull and he looks away, that anger fading. "Never mind, I don't have to hurt you back."

He brushes past, a ghost of our friendship standing where he was a second ago. The Jamie who would only smile at me and pull me into a bone-crushing hug.

With my heart in my throat and my feet as heavy as lead, I rush after Jamie. My hands grip around his forearm and I stop him in place. "Jamie."

But he can't look at me. He shakes his head, looking in the direction of his classes. "Let me go."

"Jamie, I'm sorry."

He turns to me, blood rushing to his cheeks. Anger rushing to his eyes. "For what, Bree? What are you sorry for?"

He knows I can't say it here. That the truth of my intentions were so horrible that I could never say them out loud. My father used to always tell me and my sisters—before they died and he left—that we should never do things that we are ashamed to speak about.

But that was before my sisters were murdered. Before I hid under the bed and watched as a stranger let their small bodies slide to the floor, their eyes wide in fear and glossed with death.

I tried to forget that. The disappointment I caused my family. For living, for surviving, when they were dead. But here it is in Jamie's eyes—that same disappointment.

Because I accepted Antonio's blood money. Because once again, I was trying to survive when truly I should have died with my sisters. There are many things worse than death.

There are always defining moments in life, a clear before and after. Sometimes we wish to go back to before, but the beauty and pain of life is that it will never be possible. I will never be able to undo what I did.

"I'm sad to have found out that you were never a friend." Those words echo inside me. After every moment we shared. All the meals, all the laughter. Sitting with him through the pain of his heartbreak, and yet the look in his eyes now is significantly worse than heartbreak.

"Jamie, you have to believe me when I say that you are the last person I would ever want to hurt." His infectious smile is sometimes the only thing that got me through the day.

"You didn't hurt me." His smile is sad, a forced stretch of his lips that doesn't reach his eyes. "You've taught me a lesson that I will never forget."

What lesson? "Jamie."

He grinds his jaw, eyeing the lockers like he wants to smash his fists into them. "I nearly believed we were friends. We—" He seems to reconsider his words and shakes his head. "Whatever."

"We were—we are friends." I can't lose both of the people I care about, but if I do, it's only my fault.

"No, Bree. You became friends with me to get closer to Elijah again." He steps closer, lowering his voice. "To kill him." His face scrunches as if he can't believe his own words. The truth. "You used me."

There's no way to deny it.

"How can I make it up to you? Please, tell me what I can do."

"Stay far away from me. In fact, the best way you can make it up to me is to never say my name or look my way again." Elijah wanted the same.

If I can get Jamie to somehow forgive me for using him as a pawn in all of this, then that would be the first step to making it up to Elijah. "No. I'm not leaving you. You're my friend, baby J. Probably my only friend."

His eyes soften for a moment—maybe at the nickname, or at my confession. But that gentleness is gone in an instant, hardened by a wall of remembrance.

"You don't deserve friends. Friends are for people who do good, for people who are kind. The kind of person I thought you were."

Tears fill my eyes. My heart tightens. "Stop, Jamie." A hollow pain tightens in my chest.

"Why?" He steps closer. "What do you think, Bree? Do you think you deserve to have anyone, after everything you have done?"

And suddenly I'm back in that dark alley, with the strange men, wishing for them to take my life. This time, I wouldn't have anyone to have my back. I wouldn't have anyone to save me. I had that, and now it's in shambles.

Tears slip down my cheeks. Jamie is right. I don't deserve anyone or anything. A weight in my chest settles and feels as if it dragging my entire body down.

I've lost everything. It's always been my doing. With my sisters. When Elijah left me by that ferris wheel. When I asked a killer for help, and he trapped me in his game. Now, there's nobody else to blame.

Every moment, every second, weighs down on me. Crushes me. And Jamie sees it.

He holds onto my wrist, keeping me afloat in the chaos of my mind. "Look." He sighs. "Just breathe, ninja girl."

I smile at the use of his nickname for me. My mind untangles and I take slow breaths. "And then what?"

"Breathe again. Just keep breathing." He squeezes my wrist gently, then pulls me closer and wraps his arms around me.

The feeling of his arms around me replaces the pain with a peacefulness. I hug him tight, finally feeling less alone. "Thank you." He will never know how much it means to me, to have someone who still cares even when knowing the darkest parts of me.

I sniff and pull him closer. It has been a while since I've been hugged, and I never realised how much I missed it—how much I needed it—until now.

"I need you to promise me something first, before we can be friends again." He pulls back, his bright eyes scanning my face. "You need to make up for it. Stop this job. Do good, or at least do better. I'm not saying you have to get Elijah to forgive you, and if he doesn't then it's not something you can control, but you can control what you do. Promise me you will do better."

The only way to redemption is to accept the bad and then search for genuine forgiveness. To never act that way, to never be that person who inflicted pain, again.

"I promise." I mean that. I know exactly what I need to do first.

•<•>•

I love Jamie. I have probably said that before. But I dooooo <3

T w i t t e r : xPineappleGirlx
I n s t a g r a m : laylaawrites
Y o u t u b e : xThePineappleGirlx

Lots of love and jelly tots - xThePineappleGirlx