Hit List

sixty two | black holes

Elijah's POV

I sit in class, listening to the drone of my lecturer, wishing I was under the dark covers of my bed. It feels safer there, like nobody is watching me and wondering why I have rings under my eyes or why I can't bring myself to say a word without feeling like I am sinking into the ground.

It's been weeks since I've seen her. And yet, for some reason, I chose to keep a seat for her today. Maybe I miss the idea of her, or who I thought she was. I hope she's okay. I haven't seen her.

And a part of me wishes she had done it; followed through and ended everything. Then I might not have to suffer with this intolerable pain in my chest.

The more I try to avoid thinking about her, the more I think about her. There's no escaping it. Today's lecture is about parasites. That's a good way to describe these thoughts. Taking everything and giving nothing.

"Yoo hoo." A hand waves in front of my face, bringing me back to reality. Jamie chuckles. "We're you hanging with Kyle and Andrew before class? What did you take?"

"Nothing."

"That is a lie. Class has been over for fifteen minutes and you've barely blinked. You know sharing is caring, right?" He leans forward, his hair falling into his face. His wide grin lightens the mood.

I sigh and slide my hands over my face. "I broke up with Bree and I don't want to talk about it." Because what the hell am I going to say? She was going to kill me. I can barely process that myself.

"Wanna get ice cream? I can assure you it helped after everything with Alex."

"How did you . . . process that kind of betrayal?" I ask. Jamie will probably say some nonsense like 'get under another girl', but I want to hear his advice anyways.

Jamie sighs and leans back in the seat beside me. The one I had left for her. "Honestly, it's one of the hardest things you will ever do. There's no easy way out of the pain it brings. But every day it will become easier. When you have incredible moments without them, it makes it easier to move on and realise you have a lot of good things still to come. They were a beautiful part of your world, but they're not your whole world."

That is true. She is—was—a big part of my life. I'll just appreciate the moments that I enjoyed. On rooftop, when she made me feel like I truly mattered. Us laying together in bed, her body tangled with mine. Her kissing my face and holding my hand wherever we went together.

All of those meaningless words she whispered. I'll always love you. What a stupid term. Always suddenly becomes conditional. Because someone could say 'I'll love you forever' and then the next day they might not be in you life anymore.

My heart tightens. She's not going to be in my life anymore. Not at all. What if I never get to see her smile again? What if I never hear her sleepy voice? No.

I blink the tears away and take a deep breath. I'll try to stay focused on the future and everything that I do have, instead of focusing on what I lack. Jamie is right. There's more to life that is still coming.

"Also, eat a shit tonne of ice cream and get under another woman. Both of those things never hurt either. And I can assist you with either one, my brother. How about a blonde?"

"How about cookies and cream?" I chuckle and stand. "Thank you."

He slaps my back. "Just so you know, you can open up to me if you need to. Or you don't have to say a word about it. That is your choice." We leave to find the closest ice cream shop.

It takes about ten minutes to find it. We slip into a booth after ordering, and dig into our large bowls of frozen sugar.

"This is not helping," I mumble, my mouth full of ice cream. Still, all I want is to crawl under my blankets and never come out again. I keep picturing the different ways she might have killed me. Stabbed in the back, maybe.

Jamie places his hands palm down on the table. "Did she cheat on you?" He sounds angry, as if he would get into a fight with her again.

"No." It was way worse than that. "But she lied about . . . everything. It's the betrayal that is making it hard to think about anything else."

Jamie swallows and nods. "I get it. You trusted someone and they let you down, and you don't get closure. It feels like a black hole that is sucking everything out of your body and leaving it completely empty inside."

"What do I do, Jamie? How do I stop it?"

"You can't. All I can recommend is that you stay productive and find things that make you feel alive. There's more to life than one person."

More to life than her. But that's hard to imagine when I had pictured us together in my version of the future. I'd had that picture painted in my head for years, and having to let it go now feels like removing a piece of myself.

I can still imagine myself waking up and finding her beside me, flush against my shirtless body with her hair splayed over the pillows. As if this is all an insane nightmare. I can't find any other way out of this.

And that kills me.

"Elijah?" A soft voice calls from beside me.

•<•>•

Heyo! Updated.

It's been a while. Thank you so much for your patience <3 Life has been life-ing (lol) and I've been learning so much and have so much to be grateful for.

I am going to update as much as I can. I am so happy to be able to write, even if I only get 2 reads. I value every person that reads, comments and messages me. All I want is to create a safe space and to give you guys a story of value. It makes me so happy when you enjoy what I create. I love you guys lots and lots.

T w i t t e r : xPineappleGirlx
I n s t a g r a m : laylaawrites
Y o u t u b e : xThePineappleGirlx

Lots of love and jelly tots - xThePineappleGirlx