Drumbeats into My Heart

69. Seth Finds Comfort

My phone rings for the third time that night. It's Jordi again, so I let it go to voicemail again. This is what it feels like when your calls are ignored, I want to yell at her. It's supposed to be satisfying, doing to her what she did to me before.

But it's not.

I feel like a petty, vindictive shrew.

But why did she have to go back to Dustin? Was it to get back at me? I can't stand the thought of that meathead with his muscle-bound lips on hers. It could have been earlier today for all I know.

She claims to have ended it with him already, but it feels like he's always going to be there in the background, smirking. Waiting for my next screw-up so he can swoop in and comfort her again. And I know there will be future screwups. I am, after all, me.

Disgusted, I stalk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, scrubbing so hard my gums hurt. My phone starts ringing again.

"Seth," Mom calls from the living room where she's watching TV. "Either mute your phone or answer it!"

Lips pressed in frustration, I stomp back to my room, ready to shut the phone off completely.

The call is from Tai.

I think about ignoring him too, but I can't bring myself to be that petty. He's been my cheerful chauffeur more times than I can count, not to mention a true friend always willing to listen to my problems. The least I can do is answer his calls.

"What?" My voice sounds tired even to my own ears.

"You hanging in there, bro?"

"If by 'hanging' you mean stringing myself up to the rafters, not yet."

Tai grunts. "You want your drum back? You left it in my trunk."

Jordi's gift to me. I run a hand through my hair. "N-not right now."

The line goes quiet. It's unusual for Tai to be at a loss for words, but I can't blame him. One must carefully weigh words when dealing with a basket case.

Eventually he says, "Well, I'm here for you, man."

"Thanks."

More silence.

"So, like, call me if you need to talk, yeah?" he says.

"Okay."

"Just hang in there. But, you know, without ropes and stuff."

I chuckle mirthlessly. "Yeah."

The call ends.

I sigh. Not even my easy-going, easy-talking best friend knows what to say to me.

The ache in my chest is unbearable. I can't keep wallowing in my room. I need... I need... I don't know what I need.

I switch my phone off and wander out to the living room. My mom is by herself on the couch in front of the television. She looks kind of sad. And so alone.

Like me.

Not putting much thought into it, I approach.

Her brows go up, clearly surprised to see me coming to her voluntarily. She moves some throw pillows aside to make room on the couch.

"Dad working late again?" I ask as I ease down beside her.

She nods. "Emergency piston replacement for some VIP customer. Or valve replacement? Or something. I have no idea."

I smile for the first time in hours and turn my attention to the TV. A commercial for Shark Week comes on.

"Isn't every other week Shark Week?" she inquires, lifting the remote as she considers changing channels.

"Pretty much," I agree. Almost involuntarily, I lean against her, shoulder-to-shoulder. The warmth feels nice.

She pauses—probably her second surprise of the evening—and sets the remote down. She turns her head as if to say something, but seems to think better of it. I can't recall the last time I snuggled against my mother for comfort. Come to think of it, I can't recall the last time my mother has been comforting at all.

I think maybe she's thinking this too, because she quietly rests an arm across my shoulders and squeezes ever so slightly. She faces the TV again as the wolf documentary resumes.

We watch it together.

Maybe I was idiot for reacting to Jordi the way I did, or maybe I was justified. I don't know. And maybe finding comfort with my overbearing mother is weird. I have no idea about that either. But for now, all I know is the black hole in my chest has finally stopped swallowing everything.

Sometimes all we need is a little human connection. And maybe a vote. ;)