Drumbeats into My Heart

56. Jordi is Honest

Dustin hands me the scoop of vanilla and we start wandering through the mall. I'm trying not to think about the last time I was here with Winnie and Seth, and that whole debacle about what ice cream to order. I can't believe what a big deal they'd made over that. Why couldn't they be more like Dustin? I tell him what I want, and he orders it for me without trying to convince me to try something new. Trying new things is overrated.

He licks his mocha fudge swirl. "Mmm, this is good. Yours?"

"I like it."

"Cool. Hey so..." His tongue darts out for another lick. "I got approached by a recruiter."

My brows go up. "Already? But the school year hasn't even started."

"Yeah, he was from some tiny college I never heard of. I guess they like to start early since everyone wants to play for the big schools."

"Oh." I suck ice cream off my bottom lip. "What did he say?"

"That he'd been watching me last year. He was there for Glen, you know, the quarterback? And he said I was pretty good for a junior. That I could have a future at their school, if I wanted."

I lower my cone as my heart dips into my stomach. Predictable Dustin, who makes me feel comfortable and human, might be leaving me behind. "Is that what you want?"

He shrugs. "I dunno, maybe. I didn't think it was a possibility before. I mean, college is for smart people, right?"

"And jocks."

"What?"

"College is for smart people and jocks. If you have an opportunity to go, you should go." Something squeezes in my gut as I say this.

"You think so? What about you? Maybe you can apply too. If they're considering me, they must have pretty low standards. You'd get in for sure, since you're smarter than me."

A harsh laugh escapes my lips. "That's not how it works, Dustin. They want you because they need good football players. In case you weren't aware, universities recruit brains and brawn, not mediocrity."

He jabs a playful elbow into my arm. "Aw come on, you're not—"

"You're right. I'm actually below mediocre."

"Hey, I was going to say you're more than those things. You can do anything you want."

I fall silent. It's possibly the sweetest thing he's ever said to me. I'd forgotten how charming he can be when he's not obsessing over football.

Too bad what he's saying isn't true.

The rest of our time is spent on lighter topics as we wander the mall. Now that we've stopped talking about school or the future, I'm no longer anxious or feeling like I'm drowning in below-mediocrity. It's just pleasant.

Even the drive home is pleasant.

When he stops the van in front of my apartment complex, Dustin grabs my arm before I can exit, tugging me toward him. I let him kiss me, wondering how I'm going to feel about it now. He's gentle at first, but I push him away when he tries to deepen it. I'm not really into it.

His blue eyes dance. "I've missed this. Why don't I park somewhere and we can..." He casts a meaningful glance to the back of his VW Bus, where a green fleece blanket covers the rear bench seat. "You know, like we used to." He wiggles his eyebrows for emphasis.

I scoot away. "I don't think it's a good idea."

A lazy smile spreads across his face as he strokes his soul patch. "You didn't use to think so."

I stare at his chin. What was the creature his mom had called it, a pygmy jerboa? I force myself to look into his eyes. "I know, but things have changed. We're both moving on."

"Moving on? What are you talking about? I'm right here. With you."

"Dustin, I..." What am I doing with him? Am I so determined to avoid facing the truth that I'm willing to ignore how wrong it feels to be with him?

No. I can't do that to myself anymore. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him either.

But what do I tell him? I realize with sudden insight that Seth isn't the only one who prefers to avoid confrontations.

"You're going off to college," I hedge. "And I'll be stuck here. You'll be moving on without me."

"Jordi, one recruiter talked to me."

"But you're thinking about it now, aren't you?"

"Okay, yeah, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. But that's, like, so far in the future. We don't have to worry about that now."

"So, I should wait a year for you to break up with me again?"

"Break up with you? Why would I do that?"

"Dustin." I give him a pointed look. "You've done it for less. For options at a summer football camp."

He has the decency to look contrite. "Okay, yeah, I was a complete idiot. But I'm not doing that again! I learned my lesson. I—"

"I don't love you," I blurt.

Dustin shuts his mouth, nonplussed for a moment. "Well, that's okay. I don't love you either. At least not yet anyway. I mean, we're just dating."

"What I mean is, I don't think I can ever love you. We don't have that much in common."

"What are you talking about? We both love football and cheeseburgers. And I'm sure there's other stuff."

I shake my head. "Dustin, you love football. I don't care about it. And I haven't eaten red meat in ages."

He stares at me like I've just confessed to hating America. "What do you mean you don't love football? You go to all my games."

"I went to cheer you on. I wanted to be a good girlfriend."

"Oh." A lost puppy look overtakes his features as he turns away to contemplate his steering wheel, all confidence gone. "So, are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore?"

I'm grateful he's spelled it out for me so I don't have to, but it doesn't make me feel any less awful. I've been misleading him all this time, and I never even realized it. "I'm sorry, Dustin."

He exhales like I've punched him. Peeks at me, then stares down at his hands like they've betrayed him. "I had no idea you felt that way."

"I'm so sorry," I repeat, not sure what else I can say. I feel terrible. I've been leading him on this entire time, not even realizing my heart wasn't in it. I just enjoyed his company while I was feeling bad about myself. We're better off as friends.

I open my mouth to say so.

He glares at me. "I swear, if you say 'let's just be friends' I'm going to—" A fist forms, and for the briefest second, I wonder if I've been wrong all this time about his gentle nature.

But then he deflates and sags against the steering wheel for support. "You suck," he says quietly.

"I know," I whisper.

"And I guess I suck too."

"A little," I reply with a half-hearted laugh.

He smiles sadly and glances at me. "I guess this is it."

I confirm it with a nod and push open the VW's door. "Bye, Dustin," I say with finality.

He sighs heavily. "Bye, Jordi."

With that, I slide out of the vehicle and into the uncertain future.

I believe the future is paved with votes, though, so at least there's that.