sometimes rain, sometimes rainbow - poetry collection

fat

my weight has never effected my ability to get what i want,
so why is it my one resolution,
my one reason
to explain to myself why
i don't deserve love?

im hyper-aware
of the thinness of those around me,
and how i stick out.
how i differ,
how i curve, bend, and fold in places where they don't,
how i carry myself,
how i draw attention to my breasts to distract from my pronounced stomach.

the kindest of touches
steal my breathes,
not for pleasure
but for fear that they will know what i am.

as his hand brushes over my stomach making it's way inside me,
i suck in
not only for the rush of adrenaline,
but for the fear that his hand understands
that i am fat.

his hand wrapped around my waist,
caress my back,
will he realizes my rolls?
or the wildness of my back?
the softness of my waist?

my one resolution,
with no restitution
my final reason
and largest hesitancy 
my fat.