The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 1

There was no response but I didn't expect one. Instead, I retreated to the safety of the kitchen.

Bracing my hands on either side of the sink, the chips in the worn countertop biting into my skin, I allowed the smile to drop. My face ached from the strain of keeping up appearances. Whoever said if you smile long enough you will start to feel happy had clearly never walked in my shoes. I was just so bloody tired of it all and yet, if given the chance to do it over again, I would never make a different choice.

Turning on the tap, I let the water run. It splashed against the chipped plates and glasses waiting to be washed. The sound was soothing in the presence of my discordant thoughts.

A part of me longed for change. Like Groundhog Day, my life revolved around caring for mum, work, and cleaning the house in an endless loop. I could not and would not begrudge mum for the current state of my life. Evelyn had given me everything. And yet, after years of this cycle, it was hard not to want more.

My stomach churned uncomfortably as I plunged my hands in to the too hot water. The burn did nothing to temper the guilt that wrapped around my heart. What are you thinking, Rosie? This is enough.

"But is it enough?" I whispered the question before I could stop myself, my voice loud in the emptiness of the kitchen. There was no one to answer my question.

I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer anyway.

I just hated this situation we found ourselves in. From dawn to well past dusk, I worked and worked. Yet, it never made a difference. It would never make a difference.

My mum, who had once been vibrant and full or life, would never get better. Every drug trial, routine, or mind boosting smoothie could do nothing to stave off the inevitable. The battle was already lost but I couldn't find it in my heart to admit defeat. When I got the rare glimpses of my mum, the true Evelyn I remembered from my childhood, a part of me hoped the disease was just a bad nightmare.

A sigh escaped my lips. My tired aching eyes closed for several long seconds. Reality was more horrifying than the worst of her dreams.

I'm just so bloody tired.

As tired as the house which had once been home to my happiest memories, I thought as my eyes pulled open once more. The kitchen cabinets were wonky and worn, barely hanging on to the walls which had supported them through the years. Even the paint was peeling away from the plaster. I really need to get that sorted.

"Knock knock," came a cheery voice a moment before the door from the garden swung inwards.

A tall woman stepped into to the room. Her royal blue nurse's uniform was comforting as was the familiar scent that was just her – the sterile clinical smell of the alcohol sanitiser permanently mixed with the powerful scent of white musk.

"Morning, Tanya." I greeted, stepping away from the sink to dry my hands on the dishtowel.

Despite the weariness clinging to my frame, I tried to put on a brave face. My lips pulled up into a welcoming smile but I just didn't have the power to make it convincing. It slipped off of my face in moments.

"Oh, Hun," the older woman said softly, quickly placing her possessions on the small dining table set off to one side, big enough only for two, before closing the distance between us. "Is it a bad day?"

Her hands were warm as they rested on my shoulders. The weight of her touch was a comfort I hadn't realised I'd been missing. And it had been a long time. Mum's present moments were always too brief. When they were here, I never wanted to waste them. What was my loneliness in comparison to her losing her very self?