Thirteen (Book One)

Chapter Five

I trip a little on my way up the stairs, so I crawl the rest of the way. I rushed out of 'Daniel's' room as fast as I could after I got off the bed.
I don't give a fuck about the noise at this point...it feels like I'm running for my life. I'm so scared that 'Daniel' is awake and following me.
This staircase has never seemed so big. I feel like I've been climbing for longer than I should be. I feel like I should've reached the top by now.
I finally do reach the top and slide myself into the living room. I can't explain the feeling of relief I get when I reach the final step...realizing I wasn't being chased. I'm still so scared...and panicked. I'm still in such shock, and disbelief...and just overall feeling disgusting.

Everyone in the house is asleep. I get up off the floor and look outside the window. The parents are here. Their vehicles are outside.
A fire lights in my chest. They didn't even bother to check on me...or bring me upstairs. They just left me down there. They let me sleep down there with 'Daniel' all fucking night. Did they even notice?
The morning sun shines through the window. It's beautiful, but tears fill my eyes.
I pick up one of the cats and rush to the bathroom near the kitchen.
I lock the door and slide to the ground, crying into the cat's fur. The cat just starts purring which makes me cry harder.
I trusted 'Daniel' more than anyone in my life at this moment. And we were so close but now it feels like it was for all the wrong reasons. While I was viewing him as a brother, what was he viewing me as? Why would he do this? He's yelled at me but he does that to everyone. Does he do this to everyone, too? Is this normal? Was he even awake? Did he mean to do that? How couldn't he notice?! Wouldn't he know?! How didn't he wake up?
My mind races. I don't know what to do.
What happens when he wakes up? Do I talk about this? Do I talk about last night? Do I say anything? Do I brush it off? Do I forget about it? Do I ask about it? Did I put myself beside him? How can I just brush this off?! What if it happens again? What if it goes further?
Should I tell the parents? Should I call my mom? How can I call my mom when I'm never alone here? I can't call her in front of them, either...what if they get mad at me for leaving? What if he stops me from calling? What if he gets mad at me?
I don't know how long I've been sitting in this bathroom. I'm scrambling. Grabbing at straws trying to figure out a plan, trying to pull myself back together so I can push through this...so I can get the fuck up off of this floor.

I decide to go with whatever happens. If 'Daniel' talks about it...go with it. If he doesn't...just don't think about it. Don't mention it.

It just doesn't seem possible that he wouldn't have noticed. He knows I was asleep in his bed last night...I'm pretty sure I fell asleep before he did. He would've felt me, right?

I unlock the bathroom door and walk over to the couch.
The clock by the TV says 9:10am.
It feels like I've barely slept. I want to try taking advantage of the fact that everyone is still asleep.
I lay down and cover my head with the blankets, wrapping myself and hiding completely.
Nothing can get me. No one can see me.
Tears roll down my face as I try to get some sleep. But, I close my eyes and all that plays in my mind is the incident.
How it felt. How it sounded...how I felt. Does that count as sex? Did that even actually happen? Did I somehow dream it? I can't help but relive the whole thing again and again. Trying to make sense of it...trying to find an explanation, an excuse...but there isn't one. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I just have to sit with the fact that it happened. But now what? My mind just continues to run, I fall down into the spiralling thoughts.

Suddenly, a door from upstairs opens. Someone is up now.
I sigh in defeat. It's hard to sleep when everyone is in the living room, talking...sitting on me while I'm laying on the couch.
To say the least, I'm used to getting a very little amount of sleep. But, today...I just feel beat. I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, I don't want to be seen...I don't even want to be here. I want to run away and keep running. I never want to be seen again, I don't want to deal with this.
But, I stay under the blankets.
I don't want to be talked to. I don't want to be seen.
I hear someone coming downstairs...here we go.
Through the holes in the blanket, I can see a bit of what's going on around me, outside of the safe place I've created for myself under this blanket.
I see 'Angie' and her husband standing at the front door, already dressed and getting ready to walk out.
'Cole' follows down behind them.
"Where are you going?" he asks them.
"We're going to see your grandpa, so we will probably be gone for most of the day."
'Angie' and her husband rush to leave.
These days, it seems like they can't get out of here fast enough.
'Cole' walks over to sit on the chair by the window and quietly plays his video games. I don't mind when 'Cole' is awake because he's fairly quiet and he lets me sleep. 'Daniel' likes to wake me up a lot.
As soon as 'Daniel' crosses my mind, I'm reminded of what happened. I was so close to convincing myself that I dreamt it, that it didn't actually happen...but I know I didn't dream it. I've had a lot of dreams that felt real but I knew that they weren't.
What just happened...that wasn't a dream. I know it was real...I just wish it wasn't.