MIRR/OR/ED

|Chapter 11|

Devin nods beside me. We leave it at that, happy there isn't a further discussion on the matter. Off on the beach, I see Blake and Allison run down the shoreline laughing to each other, as Maria sits alongside Lilly looking down at her book. The two of them get along well since Maria is the same age as Lilly, and they've been inseparable since Maria arrived at the camp a few months back.

She had no family with her, and just like the rest of us one day she had a father keeping her busy and the next she was all alone... just a scared fifteen-year-old girl.

I huff a deep breath as I take in the scene. Serenity washes over me, giving a small break from the overcrowding in my head.

"You remember when we went on our first date?" Devin breaks through the silence. The question is out of place but springs a heat to my cheeks as old memories surface, ones of the cold night air pressing to my skin. Stars staring back down at us as we lay in that big open field. Nostalgia brings the sensation of cheap wine back to my veins.

I nod slowly. "Yeah," Answering reluctantly as I am uneasy on where this will lead.

"Back then I was so scared to ask you out on a real date, I made up the excuse to go and study by the way. I told you I wanted to prepare for the SATs, but I took you out to the field in town to look at the stars instead. We were close friends at that point and would always do things like that together, but that time felt...different." I see him smile and look down at his hands rested in his lap.

"That feeling, I didn't have it after that night. Everything went so... planned." He scoffs a bit. "I feel that now, though. Like I'm not sure how to sit or feel around you." The breeze picks up from the tide and pushes his locks back, exposing his pushed down brow.

"I'm sorry," I'm not sure how to respond. My apology is misplaced but I feel as if it's the only thing I can offer.

"I feel the same way..." My voice carries through the air like a whisper. A burdening weight drops on my chest as I think of what it means to say it aloud.

Skipping over my response. "No need to be sorry, none of this is your fault. We just have to bear the weight of it." His position next to me feels closer than before. His body heat pressing into my thigh once more and leaves a lingering desire.

"That day feels like it was just yesterday, but it was three years ago. Three years ago, I would have never imagined being in the spot I am today... not in my wildest nightmares." The setting sun rests on his cheek as it lowers in the distance, signifying it is about time for dinner prep.

"When you died... it felt like I was going at a snail's pace. Every day that passed felt more and more unreal. Not just because it wasn't real but because... I lost you." His eyes lift to mine. "When I got here, I couldn't believe it. I... I still don't think it's real. I'm scared that at any minute I'm going to wake up and you're going to be gone again."

He turns his gaze from mine, letting the vulnerability slip through his hard eyes. I am compelled to get close to him, give him comfort where I can. Holding myself from her emotions is like playing tug-a-war with a giant but I am not willing to be selfish enough to let another set of feelings overrule my own.

"Now that my mind has wrapped around the fact that you're not dead... it's passed so fast. It feels like I have never lost you, and then I catch myself feeling the way I did before. All I want is to comfort you when you're hurt, but... then I remember. That connection to you hasn't faltered, but you... you're so different—and not, all at the same time." His words slip from his lips, capturing everything I feel in one.

I hold myself on the ledge, pressing my palms beneath me to keep from saying what I want to say. How I want to feel—not alone. His presence helps with the gaping hole in my heart, but how can I let it?