transgender tales of doom and despair

life update

19th June 2022

It's been over a year since I last updated this and nearly two years since I stopped writing in it before then.

A lot's happened, but I just saw an email from Wattpad and remembered this, so I thought I'd look over it and see where I am now. (This chapter is incredibly long, sorry)

(tw for sh, suicide and dysphoria for most of this chapter)

I read it all again, and of course there were some bits that were cringey and weird because I was only 12, but honestly it just made me remember the first half of 2020, one of the most difficult times in my life, and the time where I came out and began socially transitioning.

I'm still going by Nick and he/him pronouns. I'm not entirely sure about my gender identity, but "boy" fits for now. 

I left my old school - the girls' school, because everything about it was horrible. Especially in 2021, when my mental health starting getting worse, all that happened was they told me off for self-harming and gave me a lecture about how unhealthy it was. My new school is way better. It's a lot less academic, but it's smaller and friendlier, and I've definitely settled in. I was planning to be stealth there, but unfortunately some people I knew from primary school kind of outed me. They do all know me as a guy though, and although most people know I'm trans, it's not really a big thing. I'm known more as the "smart kid" than the "trans kid". For PE, I'm sometimes with the boys and sometimes with the girls. In my school we have one actual PE lesson and one Games lesson every week. For the first half of each term, the boys do swimming in the actual PE and the girls do sports, and then it swaps. I do sports for both halves of the term, because I'm so uncomfortable swimming, and if I did swim, my school said it would have to be with the girls, so I'd be doing PE with the girls for the whole time. For the Games lesson I'm with the boys except when they do rugby, because apparently there are rules about that or something. I think that sucks, but at the same time I've never played rugby in my life before so I'd be terrible anyway.

I got my first binder around a year ago. It helped me way more than I had ever imagined. Although I still get dysphoric even while wearing it, it helped me pass so much more and I'm genuinely just so happy I have one. An online friend bought it for me (whoops, kinda dangerous) but my parents saw it. My mum wasn't as mad as I thought she would be. I do think she was just genuinely worried that it would hurt me, but after she saw me wear it the first time and be so happy, I think she relaxed a bit. She recently agreed to get me another one (ordered and on its way!) because she's realised that it hasn't hurt me and I'm so much more comfortable with it on.

My parents still aren't that accepting. I think they have accepted that I'm trans, but not that I'm a boy, if that makes sense. Obviously they allow me to go by Nick, and he/him pronouns at school and anywhere else, but they still barely ever call me Nick, and have never called me he/him. My mum does try to avoid misgendering me, and either avoids using pronouns or uses they/them pronouns. I wish she would use he/him, but at least she's doing something. My dad seems way more uncomfortable with it though. Every time I refer to myself as a boy or insinuate I'm a boy, he just seems uncomfortable with it. For example, the other day he asked me how my day was. I said "We did rounders with the girls today, which was fun!" He immediately started talking about something else, probably because I said "We" meaning "Me and the other boys"

I have mentioned this already but in 2021, my mental health started declining even more and I started self-harming. My mum got really mad about this, and in around July or August, she said if I self-harmed again she would turn off my internet for good. I know this seems like a stupid threat, but at the time, my phone and the internet were basically my only source of support, especially during the holidays. I was on some trans discord servers, which genuinely made me feel so welcome and it was amazing to finally talk to other people who understood my experiences. Just being able to talk to them, even if it wasn't explicitly for mental health support, made me feel like I was the same as some people. I also used to talk on WhatsApp to my friends a lot, and my phone provided distractions, like watching Netflix. Without it, I was lost. Unfortunately my mother thought the internet was where I "got my ideas from".

Anyway, at the time, I didn't think my mum would go through with her threat. Obviously, I still tried to hide the cuts, but not as much as I could have. One night, she saw it, and got really mad. She insisted I show her it, and proceeded to turn off my Internet. I was so upset and with nobody to turn to and nowhere to let my feelings out, I did it even more. A few days later, I got in a big argument with her about how she wasn't helping me at all and she was making everything worse. She got mad and stormed out of the house and all I could think was how tired I was and how I just wanted to end everything. I took all the pills I could find.

Barely a few minutes later, my dad came home. They took me to hospital.

The months after that were difficult. Despite everything I tried to tell my mother, she still refused to turn my internet back on. I had nobody I felt like I could talk to, although I was forced to see various different counsellors. None of them helped me for the simple reason that I didn't feel like I could tell them anything. I just found it so awkward talking to adults I didn't know, while they recorded the stuff I said and passed it on. I was also starting a new school, a stressful experience in itself, and my mum said she wouldn't give me Internet again until I was "better".

I don't think I was better at all, but I did my best to act more cheerful until eventually she gave in (On the condition that I promised never to self-harm again, and also to delete Instagram - neither of which I stuck to). 

Once my relationship with my parents started to improve again, so did my mental health, and although I've had bad days recently, I barely ever self-harm and I feel generally pretty content with life. I have a decent amount of friends, although I wouldn't say I'm popular, and I'm generally accepted for who I am. I go by Nick pretty much everywhere. Things are fairly ok.

I know it sounds like bullshit sometimes, and when you're struggling you can't ever seem to see how things can improve, but I promise, life does get better. I really hope that anyone who has read my previous chapters knows that. I've been where you are. I've been confused and struggling with my identity and mad at my parents and everything and I've been scared to come out, and terrified once I do, and I've avoided the difficult conversations. I hope you know that it does get better. You will get better <3.

I think this may be the last ever chapter for this story, but I may start a new one now I'm older, where I talk more about being trans and about life in a way I never did in here.

Goodbye everyone,

Nick :)