Misfits (#2)

13.

I can't keep burdening him. Burdening everyone, like I've always done without thought but especially Luca.

"Is it your panic attacks?" He asks.

"They're fine." I avoid his gaze.

"Then what?" He throws up his hands, "Because all you do nowadays is drink and fuck. More than normal. Even when it looks like you don't want to."

All you do nowadays is drink and fuck. I hate how awful it sounds because it's true. I feel like it's all that encapsulates me, what everyone sees and so there's never been any point in trying to be anything more.

But god, I wish I was more.

He walks over to sit besides me. I know it's always been hard for him to show how heartfelt he is, even when I know it's there. His gaze is on the floor, "You can say it all you want but I can tell when something's wrong, Ev."

I don't turn to look at him, my nails digging into my palms. What do I fucking say?

I think I'm losing myself faster than I can catch up and I don't know how to tell anyone. I don't know how else to deal asides from silently. I don't know anything.

I feel like a stupid fucking kid who doesn't know what to do with himself.

And I don't want to turn to you. I want to give you a break from me so I'm keeping my mouth shut.

My phone buzzes beside me and I glance at it.

Taylor: party at mine. hurry up.

It's so constant and so draining, this need to shut everything out with parties, alcohol and sex. I wish I could just sit here with Luca instead, able to feel sane in just one place. Without any chaos.

But my mind chases the chaos like it's a refuge. It's the way I've always been and right now, when I feel like a fucking traitor for lying to the person that's given so many years protecting me, I itch for a hideaway from my head.

"I'm okay, you big doofus." I smile and stand up, "Maybe Ria and Miguel are right. If you're madly in love with me, do tell."

"Where are you going?" Luca snaps harsher now, "To drink yourself to fucking sleep?"

I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth, "To save pandas. From machetes. I'll see you tomorrow-"

"Ev." He says, a silent urge for me to turn around. To choose him. I falter for a moment but my feet move on their own accord, towards chaos and away from security.

"See you later, sweethearts!" I call out and keep walking, away and away and away. It feels like self-sabotage. Running from Luca, what will always keep me safe and towards shit that ruins me.

I get in my car and turn the ignition. I wait for just a second, encompassed in a silence that fills the air so tensely. I'm alone and nobody's here. I'm alone and I always succumb to emotions I don't want to feel when there's nobody around me, my knuckles tightening around the wheel.

This pressure, deep in the centre of my chest, feels like an anchor. Yanking me down and I don't know how to swim upwards. I don't know how to survive the weight of that water so I drown myself in another pool instead. A pool of my own making.

Slowly, I rest my forehead against the steering wheel and urge steady breaths. You're okay, Ev. Come on. I focus on the rhythmic rise and fall of my chest but can't get rid of this pressure.