When Best Friends Kiss

The Crisis - Part 3

The next morning, Liam silently watched me from one side of the bed as I slapped clothes into my bag from the other end. I still hadn't finished that damn article but gathered my laptop cords anyway. Liam was a statue even as I stepped into the hall to grab my toothbrush and body wash from the bathroom. The house was empty. Lily was at school, Liam's parents were at work, and we were here alone. It was deathly silent except for my heavy, angry footsteps.

I shoved the toiletries into my bag and looked at Liam. "What are you doing?"

He blinked slowly.

"We need to pack." I put my hand on my hip. "You haven't moved an inch."

His cold eyes shifted. "I'm not going back. I already quit my job."

My jaw dropped. "What?"

"Alex... Listen, please."

Clenching my jaw, I took a seat across the bed. "I'm listening."

"This is what's best."

"Why---?!"

"Listen!"

I bit my tongue but knew I'd only be listening to nonsense. Liam wasn't in his right mind.

Emotion finally slipped into his expression as he sighed deeply and frowned. "I'm just leftovers. You may have loved me when we were kids and fourteen, but you don't love me now." His fists balled on his knees.

What craziness...

"Last Spring, you were finally able to get what you weren't before. You only think you love me."

"Liam, that's nonsense. You're just feeling insecure. I really think you should see a counsel---"

"Alex, I said to listen!"

"I am listening!"

"You're not thinking about what I'm saying! You don't want to admit it!"

He was like a brick wall. Nothing was getting through to him because he was drowning in his low self-esteem. "Liam Santos," I said firmly, "I have loved you all my life."

His shoulders were tensed, evidence he was still blocking me out.

"Liam, do you remember those trips we took to Fanshawe Lake? In the Summer, we went camping. Your dad took us fishing but we didn't want to touch the worms." I smiled. "We slept in the tent beside each other and came up with our own Harry Potter AU in which we were Hogwarts students."

Liam swallowed.

"Remember in grade seven when I got the flu and missed school? I woke up in bed to find you crouched beside me. You were supposed to be in school but skipped. Our moms kicked up a shit storm. You still skipped the next day."

A tear pooled on his bottom eyelashes. "Then you went to school sick so I would stop skipping."

I smiled, blinking back my own tears.

"But that's the Alex from the past. The Alex now is different."

My heart sank. I'd been mistaken in thinking I was getting somewhere.

"Those are old feelings. You're just attached to what I used to mean to you. What I used to be."

"The only difference between then and now is your illness... And even when you have your moments of low self-esteem and zero smiles, I love you just as much as when you're grinning and joking around." I climbed up on my knees and sat on my heels beside him. "You're the one stuck in the past. Past Liam had confidence and no worries. But get it through your head: even with worries, even while you're still trying to find yourself---even while I might look like I have it all together, even if you're a little ways behind, we're still hand-in-hand growing and trying to figure things out... And I will never let you go. You're Liam Angel Santos forever and ever. And for as long as you are, I will love you in all your times."

"Will you or do you want to?" The flecks of green in Liam's eyes looked grey. "You're stubborn, Alex. You don't want to lose."

"That's bullshit!" I cut the distance between us by grabbing Liam's shirt collar. After all that I said, he was still going to minimize my feelings? He was still going to accuse me of thinking our relationship was some quest in a game. Treating him like some obstacle. "Listen to me! Just because you think you're shit doesn't mean I think you're shit, okay?!"

Eyes wide, Liam gazed at me. He was rightfully shocked; he'd never seen me physically aggressive. It wasn't until he sobbed and starting bawling that I realized it was more than that.

Releasing my grip, I dropped down on the mattress as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I don't know how to be the person I used to be," he explained through tears and closing nasal passages. "I miss the old me and sometimes I forget who I am when I see you knowing who you are." He rubbed his face but only smeared the wetness as more came to replace it. "I don't know what I want. Other than you, I don't know anything."

My heart was shattering but I felt so much love as I watched him cry messily. He was finally being honest with me and it fused every crack that was made. I wrapped my arms around him. "Then you've got to learn, baby."

He sniffed. "I don't know how."

"I don't know either. But we'll figure it out. We'll get help and figure it out." Liam cried into my shoulder and I rocked him back and forth as I stroked his head.

"I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I'm not the Liam from before."

"I love you for everything you are, Liam. Not one thing. You're so deserving of personal happiness. I promise we'll figure it out. We'll get help and we'll figure it out."

Five minutes later, he pulled away and wiped his face. I handed him a tissue and he blew his nose. "I look horrible, don't I?"

"You look like the person I love."

His brow was knit.

"Do you know what love means, Liam?"

He gave a smile of chagrin. "What?"

"It means I want what's best for you. It means I think you deserve anything and everything that will make you happy. It means that when you're not happy, I'll be here for you and love you just the same. We're going to have bad days, both of us. But I will always love you just as much. Do you really understand that, Liam? I want you to love yourself as much as I love you."

He snorted and snot from his earlier crying shot out of his nose. I wiped it off my arm and smiled. "Even when you're not beautiful and shooting snot."

He smiled back and wiped my arm with a tissue. "Sorry."

I cupped his face and kissed his forehead, home to the complexity and beauty of his mind. Next, I kissed the eyelids of my favourite hazel eyes.

He laced his fingers with mine and touched our foreheads together. "I promise I'll try to get better. Get help." His fingertips massaged my knuckles. "So that we can live life together to the fullest." He paused then looked me in the eyes. "When I hurt... do you hurt?"

Gazing back with as much transparency as possible, I replied, "Yes. That's how family works."

Liam tilted his head and moved his lips closer. "K-kiss?"

I smiled. "You don't have to ask, silly."

Our lips met sweetly.

"I love you," we whispered at the same time. We kissed again.

If there was anything I'd learned during our years apart, it was that happiness and self-love were things you could get support from others on, but needed to desire and lead the search for yourself. I'd be that support for Liam, whether his journey took weeks or years.