Fools in Love

7- Sam

"In the car... in public?" His tone was one of worry.

"Yeah. You never had car sex?" I asked as we stopped at a red light.

"No. I heard it's not very comfortable."

"Well, yeah," I spoke with a teasing 'duh', "But the point is it's exciting and in the moment and sexy."

Ben shrugged. "If someone sees us-"

"No one will see us, we'll be parked in the back of a dark parking lot," I assured him right as we got the 'go'.

"I'm just not comfortable with that."

My hand slid back into my lap. "That's okay. I'm sorry, we can just go to my apartment," I decided. It's not like I was going to force him into something he didn't like to do, but Ben only ever liked to have sex in bed. Which was fine, it just... got old sometimes. "Maybe Kai will join," I joked for some comic relief, but that seemed to make it worse.

"Are you into Kai?" Ben asked in panic, quickly looking at me then back at the road.

"No," I said hastily, "I mean he's cute but-"

"You think he's cute?"

Wow, I really just dug myself six feet deep. "No, no. Ben, I was joking about Kai joining us and I'm allowed to find people attractive- that's human nature- not like I'd act on it. Ever. I don't like him, I like you"

I had this burning need to argue with him, but instead he told me softly, "I just don't like hearing that. Maybe don't spend too much time with him."

I laughed until Ben gave me a confused, serious expression. Oh my gosh, "Kai's my roommate. Platonic roommate who I hardly know and I like you, Ben. A lot."

He took a deep breath then apologized, "sorry, that was silly of me to say that. I just feel discombobulated ever since we saw Noah and now I'm freaking myself out about every guy."

"Well, you have no reason to freak out."

"At least now we know not to go back to Rosemary- which sucks 'cause it's so good- but I don't want you seeing Noah ever again."

My chest tightened at my boyfriend's words because I knew what I had to do. Confess. "Actually," I started slowly and I waited for Ben to pull into the visiter's parking stop in the lot of my dormitory.

Ben shut off the car then looked at me expectantly, telling me to carry on.

I swallowed, took a deep breath, and, "Noah goes to UIC." There was a loud moment of silence and Ben's expression was unreadable, but I knew his brain was working overtime to comprehend what I said. "I'm sorry. I should've told you-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked with no edge to his tone, in fact, it was the opposite. He spoke softly.

"I'm sorry, but I- I didn't want you to feel weird or- or worried."

"How am I not supposed to feel worried when you deliberately left out the fact that you're going to the same school as your ex? How am I supposed to take that? Do you... do you still have feelings for him?"

"No, of course not." But my heart was pounding and I didn't know why. Because I felt guilty for not telling my boyfriend, or anxious because I couldn't lose Ben over this, or because I didn't know whether or not I was lying about having feelings for Noah.

"Please don't interact with him or even talk to him."

That won't be a problem, Noah hates me, I thought, but said, "I won't," I promised.

"What even happened between you two?" Yeah, I hadn't told Ben the real reason Noah and I stopped talking. I was too ashamed. I looked down at my lap, fiddling with my fingers. "I mean, I get you should've told him about meeting his mother, but God, he didn't have to be such an asshole to you."

I looked up to face Ben. "He's-" I stopped myself before I could defend my ex to my boyfriend and dig myself a deeper hole. "I won't speak to him," I reassured him.

He took a big breath, seeming to collect his worried thoughts, "Okay. Thank you."

"Let's go to my dorm," I said before awkward silence could take us hostage. I leaned over the center council and Ben accept my kiss.

Kai wasn't in the room when Ben and I got up there, so as soon as the door was locked, I was grabbing Ben and kissing him. "Wait," he said against my lips. I pulled back. "What if Kai walks in?"

"The door's locked."

"He has a key."

"Oh yeah," I chuckled, my horny brain not caring about anything other than Ben being inside me. "It'll be okay, we'll hear the keys in the lock and my bed in blocked from the view at the doorway so we'll have a moment."

"Eh."

"I'll text Kai," I said quickly, and dropped my hands from the buttons on his shirt. I drew out my phone and texted my roommate when he'd be home. He responded fast. I grinned and looked up at Ben, "he's staying at Haley's for the night!" Haley was Kai's girlfriend and I've never been grateful for someone as much as her then.

Ben smiled and pulled me into a slow kiss that I wished he'd speed up to match my neediness for him, but nonetheless we kissed and didn't stop until we were both satisfied.

Ben paused Little Women on my laptop. I looked up at him. I was laying down, cuddling Ben with my arm over his waist while he leaned against pillows. "Um Timothée Chalamet is about to confess his feelings to Jo March and you paused it because?" I asked teasingly.

"Sorry, I know how much you love Timothée- though I don't see it."

I gasped dramatically, "please tell me you're lying."

He chuckled and said "I paused it because I've been thinking about this for a while and I can't focus on the movie until I say it."

My heart started racing. But not in excitement. "Uh, okay. What's up."

"Sam?"

That caught me off guard, he normally called me 'babe'. I immediately felt the pit in my stomach fill with anxiety. Okay, maybe I preferred him calling me babe. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

My heart stopped and my head felt woozy, "Oh." That was the first time an 'I love you' was said in our relationship. And I wished it hadn't been said. "Um, I... ," I sat up and looked down. I couldn't say it. If I did, it'd be a lie. I felt Ben sit up and I faced him with pleading eyes, "Ben," I said his name with a guilty emphasis hoping he understood that I couldn't say it.

"It's okay," but his voice was dejected. I wanted to cry for him. God, couldn't I do anything right? "You don't have to say it back right now. Whenever you're ready."

Ugh, that made me feel even more guilty. "I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to say that and that's so shitty, I'm sorry. I- I-" my eyes were burning.

"Hey. No, it's okay. Really. Let's finish this movie."

I nodded because I felt like I couldn't speak from the culpable weight on me. We both sank back down to our original positions and I wrapped my arm around Ben, but it felt wrong. Why can't I tell him I love him?

I couldn't focus on the rest of the movie.

**

Dang, the L word struck. What do we thing about Ben?

Next chapter out soon!! Thank you for reading <3

-Xoxo, Bert