Fools in Love

4- Noah

Noah

"How do you think you could have responded better to seeing Sam?"

I sighed, my elbows digging into my thighs to support my head that was slumped into the palm of my hands. "By not yelling and swearing obviously," I muttered, already feeling like I wanted to yell and swear at Dr. Zinko.

Sometimes I hated therapy. Mostly when I already had a piss-ass attitude before entering the lavender scented room. I felt patronized like I was fucking dumb as shit and needed to be talked to like a baby. Other days when I was in a decent mood, I quite enjoyed Dr. Zinko. And though I probably wouldn't admit it, he had helped me immensely with my mood and better ways to cope when I was angry.

Obviously, I still had slip ups.

At first I shut down the idea of a therapist when my ex boyfriend insisted they could help. But then I had an incident last June.

The incident was sparked by my inability to control the strong emotions I felt- jealousy, anger, heartache- when I saw my ex boyfriend going on a trip to Punta Cuna with his new boyfriend. The trip he was going to take me to for my birthday. So, to compensate for all the shitty feelings my body was overwhelmed with, my solution was to drink myself to death. Literally.

Now, it wasn't my intention to off myself, I just figured I could handle a bottle of tequila and half a bottle of vodka. I couldn't.

My roommate, Ciera found me passed out in the bathroom and got me to the hospital in time to pump my stomach, so I could live another day on this Hell hole we call Earth. Yay.

After that, I made the decision to be sober and to talk to a professional... well, Ciera changed the lock on our apartment door and told me I wasn't allowed in until I scheduled an appointment to meet with someone, but the sober part was all me.

Turned out, I liked talking to Dr. Zinko and he wasn't as much as a self righteous, tool bag as I thought therapist were. Besides on days, of course, where I was already in a piss-ass mood.

"I'm trying to understand; you've been doing so much better, you haven't had an episode like that in weeks."

Episodes. That's what Dr. Zinko referred to my screaming and swearing fits. Whenever my emotions were heightened and got too overwhelming for me, I lashed out. Like last November when Sam and I broke up, the way I handled it was yelling over him and storming off. Or when Ciera told me I was becoming an alcoholic like my father last February and I got in her face, screaming at her that she was a "Stupid fucking cunt that doesn't know shit."

So yeah, episodes.

"There must have been something beforehand that triggered you," Dr. Zinko pressed, setting his notepad down.

"That whole fucking day sucked," I confessed and switched to leaning back against the couch cushion, my knee bouncing profusely as it always did when I felt uneasy. And thinking about Saturday, had me feeling far from easy.

"Start from the beginning. What was the first trigger?"

"My mom. She showed up again at my work." My mother had been a newly, yet unwanted presence in my life. Ever since she showed up at my doorstep back in November, I've seen her three other times. All at my work.

"How did you approach her?"

"I couldn't do anything. I was stuck, wiping down fucking tables, my boss was on my ass all God damn-"

"So your boss was your first trigger," my therapist pointed out.

I paused and thought. I was working as a busboy at a restaurant downtown called Rosemary. It was a fancy Italian restaurant with a grade A cunt as the boss. But the pay was good.

Mary, my boss, was particularly more bitchy than usual that day and for some reason kept ragging on me for every little thing I did. "Yeah, I guess. Then my relentless mother appeared for half a second. She ordered for pick up, just to see me, and then she left."

"Hm. What is the worst that could happen if you sat down and talked to her?" He asked as though he was genuinely curious on that answer.

My stomach felt queasy. "I don't know. The worst? She'd tell me that it was all my fault she left and she started a new and better family."

"But we already know she's not going to say that. 'Happy birthday, baby' isn't something you say to someone you resent and who left you no choice but to leave. And if she had a- quote, unquote- 'better family', why would she be hanging around you?"

I scoffed, "Gee, thanks, Doc."

He gave me his signature disapproval look, "You know how I meant it. I mean, based on the facts, I know you see how unlikely the worst is to happen." I shrugged. "Okay, boss, mom, then what? Sam?"

"No. Jude," I spoke that name like it was lice on a fourth graders head; disgusting and difficult to remove. "He also showed up at that frat party. Fuck, I shouldn't have gone, but Ciera fucking insisted," I groaned. "I wanted to hit him when he made a comment about Sam."

"But you didn't?"

"No," I confirmed. "But, I wish I had."

"No you don't, you're nineteen. You're not in high school anymore, if you get into a fight, you're going to jail." I grunted in response and he knew I wasn't going to speak further on that, so he continued, "So, boss, mom, Jude..."

"Then Sam." Sam looked mostly the same, but he was definitely skinnier than the last time I saw him, which made me worry a bit when I actually thought about how he was already skinny before.

"Ah, and what would you tell Sam instead? If you could go back, the first three triggers never occurred. What would you say to him?"

"I'd say..." I took a deep breath and pictured those brilliant green eyes I loved then grieved over in just a year. "You being here is only going to make it all hurt worse." Sacred moments of my past relationship with Sam ran through my mind like a stop motion picture. Every detail more potent than the last. Sam's hands gently on my face, him smiling just for me or laughing just for me. How he laid in my arms in bed; secure and restoring. When he'd say he loved me and meant it. When we were most intimate with each other.

I swallowed the stiffness in my throat, "I don't want to hurt anymore."

**

We love a good therapy session. Also, we love Noah getting help 👏👏

Don't get used to these updates👹 I just feel you guys should have a good amount of chapters out to get you guys going, you know what I mean?
Anywayyy hope everyone had a good/safe weekend!! Thank you for reading!!

Next chapter out Wednesday!!

-Xoxo, Bert