Lilly-Anne's Roses

Chapter 5 - Depression

The soil felt dry under my bare feet, sticking only due to the sweat building up underneath. I was feeling nervous, anxious, and numb all at once. I dug my toes in deeper, like a child would at the beach, feeling the cool underbed against my nails.

I took a breath in, letting my head fall against my chest, rocking side to side. I stretched my fingers out, shaking my wrists, trying to make myself feel alive and present. 

Perhaps if I could activate all five of my senses, I could convince my soul that I was still here.

The last remaining roses seemed to be fading away as I let water drizzle over them, a last attempt at reviving them knowing all too well that there was ultimately no point. Soon, there will be no more roses to tend to, which is likely the reason why I was finding it increasingly more difficult to cut them off.

A few days have passed since the last conversation with my mom. I guess I needed time to let myself feel without any outside pressures trying to tell me how to do so. In that time, I hadn't left the house, I don't remember the last time I showered, and my hair was starting to resemble a bird's nest.

Yet, for some reason, I didn't mind all too much.

Snip

I held on tight to the fallen rose, watching as a few petals fell to my feet. I went to pick them up, but she had already started collecting them delicately into her left hand. I let her and knelt near the flower bed ripping the first of many weeds that had begun to sprout since the start of this week.

Silently, I tended to my garden. It wasn't long before she knelt beside me, helping me care for the space that was once ours. We pulled weeds, cut branches, watered forgotten flowers, all without saying a word. We moved in sync, anticipating each other's wants and needs, occasionally pausing to exchange sad smiles. 

We both knew our time was coming to an end and didn't feel the need to speak.

A deep sadness hung above us as we worked. Each passing minute grew heavy in the air as if time had been suspended, letting us exist in the same moment. I can't go on without you.

I glanced over and noticed that she was playing with the dirt, creating circles, her head resting on her knees. Take me with you. I moved near her; my shoulder pressed against hers as I swirled the dirt into the shape of a heart. 

She chuckled softly, adding a smaller one next to mine.

"I forgive you," I whisper.

She squeezes my hand, nodding her head in acknowledgement before fading once more into the space between myself and the rest of the night. I continued to make hearts in the dirt, feeling her presence still in the air.

"I miss you already". 

****

Forgiveness is the hardest thing to embrace at times... do you agree?

Stay tuned for the next chapter: Acceptance and Hope