Love, Claudia (BWWM)

Chapter Five

The answer was no.

"Instill something deeper within me. I know that I can't keep going on without going further with You, knowing more, loving more, doing more, understanding more. You have taken my panicked heart and stilled it again, and I know that You'll do it tomorrow if I need You."

God was reliable.

The only reliable entity, anything in existence.

"I want to be a man like David, who knew he was nothing without You, and was everything he was only because of You. I want to fall at Your feet with heartache and sincere repentance when I fall, knowing that I've sinned against You, but that You will receive me again." He prayed earnestly his head bowed in humility.

And gratitude for the calm God's presence gave him.

"David wrote in Psalm 32, When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night, Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever that of summer." River lifted his head as he paused for the written Selah he memorized with the verse.

A moment to reflect and thank God.

"I acknowledged my sin to You and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,' and Y-you forgave the guilt of my sin." Tears formed in the corner of his eyes as he spoke words written by David, but written in his own heart.

"Therefore, let everyone who is godly pray to You in a time when You may be found; Surely in a flood of great waters they will not reach him." He took a breath and let his tears flow. The hope in his heart strengthened as he spoke every word.

"You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance." A chuckle of gladness left his shaky lips.

He took hold of his Bible that never strayed too far from his reach and opened it to find Psalm 32.

He hadn't memorized it entirely.

And he felt that there was something more in the Word for him to catch.

God's Word never failed to speak a better Word, Jesus was the Word, and He spoke life, newness, and hope.

All that River needed. And he was not ashamed to need Him.

When he looked down at the Word, it was on Psalm 51.

He never turned down the Word, whether he chose to be there or God led him there, he would read it.

His eyes scanned the chapter but lingered on a familiar verse.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit." His mouth went slack at the next verse.

A slap in the face of the timely instruction.

He prayed for something deeper.

"Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will be converted to You."

River turned his gaze to the ceiling and motioned to the open Bible.

"Is this what You want me to do?"

It didn't scare him. It didn't unsettle him.

He couldn't find it in himself to feel unworthy of the appointment.

He only wanted to receive it, whatever it was, whatever it meant.

He would do it.

"You got my 'yes', I trust that You'll handle the how and where," He murmured with a yawn.