The Reason (1)

Chapter 7: Burning

****This chapter may include some triggering topics for some. If you ever feel this way please seek help because there is someone that will listen and help. Like I have, because trust me it gets better because someone will always be there wanting to listen and help, you are not alone. There is always someone, all you have to do is find them.

I woke up the next morning and the first thing I did was tell McKenna everything, I told her that I liked David and I told her that he came to my house when he left the dance. After I sent the message I started crying, it wouldn't stop. The tears. The guilt.

I looked at the message, and she read it. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, I couldn't handle the pressure I was breaking. I would've given up anything to make her happy, I just wanted her to be happy, even if I wasn't. She never responded. I went to school the next morning, but she wasn't at the bus stop.

I didn't see her all day until lunch she was with Trisha, James, and Malia. She was laughing, she looked happy, I turned around and started to walk away. I felt tears flood my eyes, she was happy, without me, maybe it would be better if I wasn't there. If I just left, I mean who would notice? I then bumped into one of my friends, Avery, she stopped me and ask, "Hey are you okay?"

I then started to burst out crying, she pulled me into the bathroom, and I let everything I was holding back out. It felt so good and felt so bad at the same time, I felt hopeless, like I would never feel happy again, like I was alone. She then asked "Do you want advice or comfort? Or just someone to listen." Choking on my tears I managed to say, "I need advice." She then said, "try to talk it out, but if that doesn't work leave then, because they are your friends are they?" I nodded wiping away tears, "so they should try to understand, they will try to reason with you, if they are your friend they will listen.

I hugged her and said, "Thank you, thank you for being here for me, I do appreciate it." She said, "anytime, but just know if you ever need advice, or a shoulder to cry on I'm here for you, any day, any time, if you ever need help just ask." I started to cry, even more, that's all I ever wanted to hear, I just wanted to know that someone would always be there for me if I ever needed them. We stayed in the bathroom for a minute or two, she got me to stop crying. We then walked out of the bathroom to a hallway she usually eats lunch with her boyfriend, Garrison, they were the best couple I knew.

They fought but they always made up, I could tell that they loved each other, it was a love I wished I had with someone, I love that no matter how far you would always find your way back to each other. In the end, they would always end up back in each other's arms, they were both so nice too, you really could tell they loved each other. The way they looked at each other, it was like they were the only people they saw in the whole world. I felt at home with them, I felt comfortable around them.

I sat there for the rest of the lunch period just talking to them, and then the bell rang. I began to walk to my geometry class when I overheard Malia and McKenna talking, and I heard Malia say to McKenna, "It's okay not to be okay." When I heard this I ran the other way to the bathroom, and I called my mom to pick me up. The whole ride home I was silent, my mom tried to ask what was wrong but I didn't answer. After I didn't answer I think my silence spoke volumes because she stopped asking questions, and she said "Amelia if you ever need help or someone to talk to, if you ever wanna tell me what happened, you can tell me."

It was so hard to ask for help, really hard, because whenever I did try to ask for help the guilt, that guilty feeling came flooding in and it was like I can't say a word and there is this burning sensation in my throat not allowing me to say anything. I felt like my insides were burning from the inside out and on the outside the waves kept coming and I was drowning. There was nowhere I can turn, no one I could turn to, I was alone, I knew I had people but at the same time, I felt so alone. I closed myself off from everyone, and I was dying on the inside but no one knew, sometimes I felt like no one cared in the first place.

But who would care, maybe I was just being and baby, everyone had their problems to deal with, and everyone dealt with them, so why couldn't I deal with mine? Why did I feel so stuck, why did I feel like this, why was I alone, what did I do to deserve this? I just wanted to go home lay in my bed and never get up, and when I did get home I did just that. The next morning came, I had to go to school, but I couldn't get up. I didn't want to go to school, I mean what was the point, I had no friends, so why did I have to go? So I didn't go, I told my mom I felt sick, and she let me stay home. Why couldn't I get my happy ending, everything felt so messed up, I felt so alone.

      I just wanted a break from everything, I just needed a break from everything.