The Reason (1)

Chapter 4: Drowning

****This chapter may include some triggering topics for some. If you ever feel this way please seek help because there is someone that will listen and help. Like I have, because trust me it gets better because someone will always be there wanting to listen and help, you are not alone. There is always someone, all you have to do is find them.

One day, huh? That sounds easier said than done, I was sitting at the lunch table like always, listening to my friend's conversations, like always. Never really putting much into the conversation, like always, listening to music, like always. Jordan sat next to me, new but starting to feel normal. Normal? What even is normal, the feeling of boredom? If so I hated the feeling of normalcy, I just wanted something to feel something else or something at all.

The small group was close, they were nice. Just us. Everyone knew everything about each other in that group, you tell one person something and the others knew the next day. Trust. James, the person I may have a crush on (at that point I didn't even know if I did), the kindest person in the group, or was he? To be fair I only knew what he showed me. He showed me he was kind, and he was until he wasn't. Over the days I started to notice, things. Things I hadn't seen before. Not only in James but in myself.

The lonely feeling I had long ago was back, maybe it wasn't the feeling of wanting something different, maybe it was just the feeling of wanting more. 2nd block: Spanish class, James, McKenna, Trisha, and Malia were all in that class. That also happens to be the first class I felt that feeling, the feeling of drowning. You know where you feel so much at once for example anger, frustration, sadness. The guilt, the guilt of feeling all of that is even worse, so there goes the distancing. It was natural, this happens from time to time.

The feeling of drowning comes and goes, but sometimes the waves just keep coming in, they wouldn't stop. I just needed a breath, one moment where I didn't feel alone. They didn't notice, they just thought I was mad, I was, not at them but myself. I wanted to say something, to ask for help, but the waves kept coming. They got worse, every time I tried to ask, ask for help. It was the guilt, I didn't want to tell them, I was confused I just wanted help.

I was confused about Jordan, I was confused about James. I was confused about why I felt the way I did. I hated the feeling of confusion, it hurts, not knowing everything. The dance was coming up, it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life so far, but how it was looking I'm guessing it wouldn't. "It's going to be okay," that's the only thing I wanted to hear. When I got home, I started crying, it became normal, crying. I started to feel a new feeling, being left out, maybe it was my fault.

Maybe everything was my fault, I did this to myself, and they are probably just getting tired of me. We have known each other for years, of course, they would get tired of me, it was natural. I didn't think it would hurt this much, I just wanted to be included. It's like I'm there, and they like me there but it's not like I'm wanted there. I just feel empty at the end of everything, because when it gets better it doesn't last.

There was only really one thing I felt, which was just emptiness. I just sat there, maybe one day I will be old enough to understand. What was happening to me? The feeling of needing someone had never felt stronger. I just sat there, alone, by myself. A wall of my creation.

I was sitting on a swing at the park staring off and then I feel a tap on my shoulder, I looked over to see David. "Hey Amelia, are you okay? You seem off like something is bothering you?" I sat there, not knowing what to say or where to start. "You know if you don't want to say anything now, you don't have to, we can sit here, but just know I'm here." That was the only thing I've ever wanted, someone there, and there he was.

He was here, he was that someone, someone I could talk to. He was different from the others, he was close to them but not too close, and he had other friends. He didn't pick sides, he just listened, the only thing I wanted, right in front of me the whole time. Someone to talk to, someone that would listen.

So I started from the beginning.