Apartment 105

Chapter 24

Coming to terms with Luke moving away is hard, to say the least. It takes weeks for me to wrap my head around the fact that he was no longer across the hall from me. That I had officially driven him away. Totally and completely. He was gone and he was never coming back. I don't even know where he went or if he's still living with Tara. And as much as I tell myself I don't mind, it was an absolute lie.

I've gotten quite good at pretending though. Pretending I was fine, pretending my chest didn't tighten every time I walked out of my apartment, pretending I didn't often find myself laying on the ground in the middle of the empty apartment across the hall.

It's just, it's hard to let go. It's hard to forget everything we said, everything I felt. It's hard to just let go of Luke. And maybe part of me was holding on to that last bit of hope. That last bit that maybe Luke leaving was temporary, that he just needed some space and he'd be back. He'd be back and tell me how much he's missed me, how much he loves me, how he never wants to be apart again.

Three months.

The thing is, today is the official three month mark. Today is the official last day of hope. I'm not sure what to do with that. I can't really bring myself to pretend today. Because today was far too important. Today was the day I've been waiting for since the day I told Luke to leave. Today I couldn't bring myself to smile and hold conversations and not clean the apartment top to bottom.

I tell myself it's not a big deal. That I didn't care if he came back or not because I'm not even sure I still want him after all this time. Which of course is a complete load of crap because I've been aching for him. I swear even my body knows how important today is, every last nerve of mine extra sensitive and my heart has been offbeat since the moment I woke up.

But I go about my day, getting my morning routine done and eyeing the clock every second I get.

Michael and Calum show up around late afternoon with hopeful words but looks that say they're ready to pick up the pieces if need be. I already made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to fall apart if he didn't show. I've come so far and haven't cried in nearly a month now and if Luke didn't show then that was his loss. I'd keep my chin up and move on. I didn't need Luke before and I don't need him now.

Except that I totally did.

-

Around evening time, while the three of us are lounging on the couch, there's a knock on the door. Everything goes dead silent with it, none of us breathing as the tension slowly starts to build.

"Are you going to get it?" Michael asks quietly. I'm frozen though, I'm positive my blood has stopped flowing and my heart has stopped pumping in my chest. My eyes are glued to the door and my mind is racing a million miles a second. "Lai?" Calum nudges me lightly. I blink rapidly, gnawing at my lip nervously. "What if it's him?" I ask dumbly. "Then you let him in and we go back to normal," Calum reasons. "What if it's not?" I ask anxiously. "Then...the days still not over," he answers just as sure.

Okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

It's just answering a door.

I can answer a door.

It's simple.

No big deal.

Here I go.

Answering the door.

"I can't do it," I breathe, turning back around to face Calum and Michael who are watching intently from the couch. "Laila," Michael sighs, looking like he's seconds from exploding. Honestly, I'm not far behind him. "You do it," I plead. He and Calum share a look then he's up on his feet with another sigh. Calum comes to stand by me while Michael walks to the door. "It has to be him Lai, who else is going to come by at this time?" Michael mutters on his way past us.