Apartment 105

Chapter 17

It goes like this.

It's something out of a movie really. Luke misses his train, always running late - even now nothings changed. So he's forced to take the next train scheduled which is where he sees her. He talks about how there was this instant pull. How amazing she looked just sitting there across from him. I ignore the sting in my chest that is there for most of his story and coolly tell him to move it along.

He tells me about how even though the train took him 3 blocks from where he needed to be he still rode it every single day just to see her. He gets lost in his own story, telling me about the first time they spoke, brief and nonchalant when he was forced to take the seat next to her on a particularly crowded day. He talks about taking her out on their first day, where they went, what they talked about.

He goes on about how captivating she was, almost mysterious in a way but also not at all. He tells me about her meeting his parents and two brothers, how they all got along almost instantly and often had vacations and meals together, how close she and his mom got. Somewhere along the way I stop listening. Stop listening because although I asked, although I thought I wanted to hear about it, I hadn't really thought about it.

I hadn't thought about all the good times they clearly must've had. I hadn't thought about what it would be like to hear about those times.

And so, for the sake of my own heart, my own wellbeing really, I stop listening.

"Can we maybe continue this tomorrow? It's late and I still need to put all my clothes away," I know full well I cut him off mid-sentence - something about helping an injured dog? - but truth be told I was just about ready to explode. Explode from the inside out. My chest was tight, my breathing was off and I had to stop myself from tearing up multiple times.

"Uh, sure," he replies skeptically. My backs to him, like it has been since about halfway through his story and I'm honestly worried if I turn around I might just fall apart. So I don't turn around. I fill the basket with folded clothes and head toward the elevators without a word with a nod of the head as a signal.

The elevator ride feels like ages. I can feel Luke staring and instead of making me blush and tugging on my heart strings, it makes me feel uneasy and slightly self conscious. That's when I first notice it. Notice the way I start to compare myself to the girl he held on such a high pedestal even after she broke his heart. I notice how I immediately start doubting myself in any and every way possible.

By the time I get to my apartment door I'm so far in my own head I don't even hear when Luke asks if I'm staying over.

"Lai?" His eyebrows pull tight together. "Hm?" I meet his eyes in a daze. "Are you staying over tonight?" He asks for a second time. "Oh, er, yeah, just uh, just let me put my clothes away first?" I try to sound cool and unfazed but I'm sure he sees right through it. "Are you alright?" He fixes his eyes on me, sizing me up with a look of worry. "Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?" I shrug stiffly.

"Lai if this is about Tara..." he trails off, surely catching the way my eyes glaze over at just him saying her name. I don't like to use her name. Using her name makes her real. Using her name makes it harder to try to pretend she's just some made up person that had zero effect on my boyfriend.

Using her name makes not thinking about her and my boyfriend a lot god damn harder.

"I knew this was a bad idea, this is why I don't talk about her. Why I didn't want to talk about her," he sighs, running a frustrated hand through his messy hair. And because I promised Ashton I'd be patient. Because really, it honestly doesn't matter now that he was mine, I set aside the aching in my heart and the doubt in my mind.