Apartment 105

Chapter 21

It's a sleepless night. One that drags on for ages and at the same time ends all too quickly. I'm not sure if I've quite registered it all yet. It's like, mentally, I can't process that Luke isn't here. That he isn't coming back. That he's no longer mine. However at the same token, physically, I can process it. Physically, it's like my body knows he isn't here. Physically, I'm colder and far less comfortable in my own bed.

Physically, I'm aching for Luke.

Maybe part of me was hoping he'd sneak in during the night even if it didn't mean he'd stay forever. Just long enough for both of us to have some sleep. Just enough so that I could pretend.

Pretend if only for a moment that I were still his and he was still mine.

-

When morning comes, I can't be bothered with my usual morning routine. I have to stop myself a few times from going over to Luke's or calling for him to ask if knows where something is. It still doesn't hit me then. I go about my day, catching the bus to work, taking coffee orders, making coffee, drinking coffee, stopping at the grocery store, catching the bus home. It all goes by in blurred flashes and it's not until a few days later when I'm home alone that it finally hits me.

It's when I've done my usual cleaning and put all the dishes away - aside from the things that go on the higher shelves because that's Luke's job. I'm making my favorite snack of strawberries, yogurt, and sugar. The strawberries are all covered in yogurt so all that's left is the sugar. With the sugar glass being so high I make to reach for it and it ends up falling and shattering against the ground.

Then, it's almost like something in me breaks along with the glass. It sounds ridiculous but it's just, this would never have happened if Luke was around. And it's so frustrating because he wasn't. Because he chose to leave. Because apparently I wasn't what he wanted and there's nothing I could do about it. That's around the time I'm consumed with the absolute worst, earth-shattering feeling I've ever felt.

He was gone.

How could he have just left like that? Why didn't he bother fighting harder? Why did he choose to go with her? Was she that much better than me? How am I even meant to get around without seeing him? He's literally across the hall now. She's probably parading around in one of his shirts and he's probably thanking the heavens that she is back.

I can't even bring myself to clean up the mess of broken glass and littered sugar if that's saying anything. Instead, I grab my blanket from my bed that still holds just a hint of Luke on it and make for the couch to stare at the curtains.

The curtains he bought.

-

Later in the day, somewhere around evening time, there's jiggling of the doorknob and I'm sure it's Michael even before he announces it - even before a little part of me can hope that it's Luke. "Lai?" Michael all but pounds on the door. "Laila it's Michael, why is your door locked? I want to come in." I can basically hear his pouting. But I don't respond, pulling my duvet tighter around my body and curling in on myself not having moved from my spot on the sofa all day.

"Laila, I know your home Luke said you're usually off work by now," he continues his obnoxious knocking. My heart stops in my chest at the mention of Luke. At the mention of Luke acknowledging me and me schedule and the fact that I'm home. I wonder if he's told Michael yet, if he's told anyone yet. But judging from the lack of concern from Michael I don't think he has.

Maybe part of me holds on to a little hope that it means something.

"Laila, do I have to set the fire alarm off again?" Michael threatens. And because he's Michael and I'm positive he will stay true to his word I have to say something. "Go away," I call, a little muffled from the duvet. "What?" He calls back. "Go away!" I shout a little more clearly. "But I want to come in," he says from behind the door. Then there's some mumbling that I can't make out but sounds like he may be talking to someone else.