Maxine Nelson • heartstopper ff

11. dread

Max POV

"I..uh got in a fight...B*n and Harry were there...they said some really horrible things about Charlie and..I snapped," he said.

I didn't know what to say. He sat down and began to eat. I sat on the chair at the end of the table.

Yup no, now I can't say anything about my sexuality... absolutely not. I can't deal with that... I'm too weak and stupid and it's silly really...that's not how I feel. But was it? No Max! It's not.

All the voices inside my head kept me up all night. I looked like a zombie the next day in school.

"Hey...are you excited for the Truham - Higgs sports day on Friday?" Imogen asked me.
"Yeah..it sounds great," I said.
"Max, are you sure your ok? You were like this on Thursday," Imogen said.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just tired," I told her.
"Ok, well like I said...I'm always here for a talk,"

"Are you gonna eat that or just stare at the wall?" Darcy asked me.
"What?" I asked.
"You zoned out and Elle keeps texting so I'm bored," Darcy said.
"Oh, and you can have it if you want," I told Darcy pushing the food towards her.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yeah...I'm good," I told her.

I slumped on my bed when I got home. I was so tired and fed up with everything. I went online and watched some tv.

I walked downstairs and Nick looked sad.
"Hey, are you ok?" I asked him.
"No, Charlie keeps ignoring me...he thinks the fight yesterday was his fault," Nick said.
"Oh," I said quietly.

I sat by him and we watched some tv. I kept zoning out and my eyelids were drooping. Everything that was happening had exhausted me. I felt sort of dizzy and my head was in pain.

Friday

Today was the sports day and I wasn't in the mood for it. I hadn't slept properly all week...or are properly. I'd only ate in front of my brother and mum. This was because I was otherwise filled with dread and worry of what people thought. I didn't like eating in front of people in school. It made me feel really uncomfortable. I dreaded not eating because I enjoyed food. But when I felt uncomfortable with everything else and always felt like people were staring at me...food is just less of a priority.

"Are you sure you can run your race Max?" Elle asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied. If I'm honest I felt like I was so weak and in pain that I was going to throw up.
"I'm not sure I want to go back," Elle confessed.
"We don't have to, we could all say we sprained or ankles or something," Darcy said.
"What all 4 of us have been in an ankle related accident?" Tara asked.
"I could have a sore elbow or something, we can figure out the details after," Darcy said.
"It's fine, I think I want to do this," Elle said and we all skipped into Truham and onto the field.

I felt worse and worse as the events continued. I didn't know if it was the anxiety or the fact that I was malnourished.

I dreaded not eating...but I also dreaded my anxiety and what my sexuality truly was and the consequences that would follow if people found out.

I walked over to start my race. It was the 200m sprint. I was wearing a red bib and I had done little red stars under my eyes.

I started the race. I felt ok however it slowly went downhill. I felt really faint but I kept running and I came second.

Everything was spinning. I walked over to Elle, Tara and Darcy.
"Max, are you ok? Your really pale," Darcy stated.
"You look like you need to sit in the shade," Tara suggested.
"I'm honestly fine," I lied. I couldn't deal with them worrying as well.
"Max, your not. Let's go sit down," Elle said.

We walked over to a tree and sat underneath it.
"Eat," Darcy instructed me and held a packet of chocolate ice gems in front of my face.

I didn't take the packet, I just sat there.
"Max, c'mon, we haven't seen you eat all week, what's up?" Tara asked.
"I've just been stressing out lately," I said quietly. "And then sleeping...and food wasn't a massive priority." I said. There were tears in my eyes as I spoke.
"Well, what have you been stressing about?" Darcy asked.
"It's not important," I said.
"It obviously is if it's been affecting your life like this," Elle told me.
"Yeah I guess so...I've been worried about...my sexuality...and I keep telling myself I'm wrong for not being that attracted to men but I just don't know...it's really stressing me out and I can't cope with myself," I said.
"Well...Max, it's your sexuality. If you like girls, you like girls. There is nothing anyone can do to change that," Tara said.

"I mean...ever since those quiz results came back and I was researching for my brother at first, it just made sense," I told them. "And I feel like because of b*n I could never kiss a guy again without feeling uncomfortable. I feel like I don't even know if I'd be comfortable dating a guy again. It's just on the other hand. Everyone will treat me differently and I can't deal with that," I explained.

"We won't treat you differently and we will support you against the bullying. The only thing that would change is the group chat name," Darcy said.
"Thank you," I said with a smile. "And...I feel like I like girls more than the worry of getting bullied," I smiled.
"Yay! We found another one!" Darcy said excitedly.
"Darcy!" Tara said.
"I can't believe that us and Charlie turned the Nelson twins gay!" Darcy said.
"Will you keep your voice down!" Tara scolded.
"Sorry," Darcy said.

"Elle, there you are, wanna go find all your old classrooms?" Tao asked as we walked over to the group.
"Yeah sure, I'll catch up with you all later," Elle said and she went with Tao.

We watched some of the sports day and it was time for the reds vs blues rugby match. Nick and Charlie hadn't spoken properly for a week and I'd noticed that Charlie wasn't playing rugby.

Nick was about to do a penalty kick when he started to walk towards the crowd. He was walking towards Charlie.

The crowd separated for him and Nick held his hand out for Charlie. Charlie took it and they walked away from the crowd and into the corridor.