False Confidence

26

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"Harriet I need to tell you something." I interrupt her telling me about her latest mini argument with Spencer, I have heard it from both sides before. She is silent as she regards me, waiting for me to continue. "You know how I said that I wasn't interested in Steven?"

She nods and I mirror the movement, fiddling with my jersey "Well, I might have a major crush on someone else."

"What?!" A few people glance our way before turning back to their own business "Who?" Harriet hisses at me and I grin sheepishly.

"Don't freak out, but Alena."

"What?" She isn't as loud this time but I can see the confusion clear on her face. Clearly I did a better job of hiding it from her than everyone else will have me believe. "Alena?...as in Emma's mom Alena, the one who has been living with us?" I nod and her jaw drops "But you are not-you never said you were-"

"I know," I say realizing where she is heading, I have never said I was lesbian, never even considered it myself but then again I never considered that I was straight, before Alena I have never really been that interested in people. "I never knew, well never considered, before Alena."

"Since when?"

"Pretty much since the first time I saw her." I whisper down in my lap, embarrassed. Wishing I had told her earlier because I do not want her to hate me. "I am sorry for not telling you!" I rush out "I wanted to but everything was so confusing and crazy that I wasn't sure what was going on half the time and whether Alena would even want others to know."

"Wait, Alena knows?"

"Yeah, about that first kiss-"

"-She didn't?!" I nod and Harriet's jaws drop "How have you kept this all to yourself for so long?"

"Well Spencer kind of knows... I made him promised not to tell anyone but he guessed."

"He guessed?" Sometimes Spencer's intuition is far better than expected. "So Alena was your first kiss and you two are what? dating?"

I shake my head "No, with everything going on with her parents it wasn't the right time but I think now is." I explain to her how I ask her out, what has been happening these last few weeks and to her credit she listens and after everything is done she says she doesn't hate me. Her acceptance is a relief to me as I leave my seat to hug her. I feel so much lighter with everything off my chest.

"You know, when you never showed much interest in anyone I always wondered if you even had a sexuality." I frown in Harriet's direction over ice cream sundaes, she shrugs "Well, it was just I remember having a lot of crushes growing up and you never really seemed interested. You could always agree that someone else was hot if I asked but you didn't fawn over anyone."

"I guess so," Looking back I realize that I never really did. Harriet always had crushes, her friends always had crushes and I just went along with it, taking no interest in the whole thing. I always thought boys were gross and girls were annoying and nothing has really changed. Accept Alena, because she got me suddenly looking and I couldn't look away. "But I didn't even have crushes on girls, I don't think I ever did, but something about Alena."I shrug embarrassedly to admit that Alena is the only person who has piqued my interest because that sounds dangerous. It sounds as if I couldn't be with her then I would be with noone. And maybe that is true for now but I am sure that if she hadn't come along someone along the line would of.

"So pansexual?" I tilt my head and ponder the definition. Technically it was not her personality that first attracted me. It was definitely her looks so I shake my head. "Bi?"

"I don't know, it is not like anyone is asking to label it much, dad pretty much knows and I am sure mom has caught on."

"So it is only me that has been slow on the uptake?" I frown at her self-derogatory speech and reach over to grab her hand.

"You had a lot of things to deal with, Har and besides I didn't want you to know because somehow that made it more real, like if I suddenly changed my mind I couldn't escape having to explain it, to myself or to you. I wanted to be sure.

"And are you sure about Alena?"

I want to say yes but I can't because I am not sure what lies ahead for us. She has a life that is complicated due to her child, her own future is still something I have no idea about. And really when we get down to it I am not even sure we will be good in a relationship. "I don't know about the future, but for now yes."

"That is your answer."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that you are so indecisive, how did you even manage to ask Alena on a date?"

I smile, batting my eyelashes in jest and Harriet's laughter carries over the diner. I love hearing it. I haven't heard it in a while.

"Enough about me, did you talk to Spencer about the whole college thing?"

Harriet colors and nods and I narrow my eyes in her direction "What?!"

"Well, he kind of proposed the future."

"What!" It is my turn to be shocked and cause a scene, everyone's heads turn in a moment before they are back to their meal, realizing it is just two dramatic teenage girls. "Explain!"

"Well, I brought up the whole, feeling like a failure and him wanting to be attached to someone with a decent college degree, he thought I was insane and said that he pictures our life together years in advance." I nod because I know this, he always speaks about the future with Harriet already firmly ingrained, I am surprised she even had her doubts. "Then he said that if it was practical he would marry me today but he wants to wait until we have established ourselves a little in the world first. "

"That is super cute." I admit squeezing her hand "But he better know he must come to me for my blessing before he actually proposes!" Harriet giggles and leans back in her seat, a smile present on her face. It reminds me that she hasn't worn it in a long time and suddenly I sober up, realizing I haven't been a very good sister.

"Is senior year really difficult?" She pauses, a smile stuck on her face as her eyes twitch at the topic before she looks down and nods. "Tell me about it."

So I listen as she tells me how the teachers are pushing her to write tests with less and less time and how in math she is expected to keep up with everyone else and do extra work to try to stay on top of everything. She even has to do more assessments than everyone else to grade her continuously. Apparently she has been working till midnight every night then getting up at 5 to go for a run and early cheer practice before trying to complete the leftover homework. I feel terrible that I haven't noticed, my parents are not aware of how hard the school is pushing her and in an unfair manner. She should not be expected to do more because she struggles. What kind of messed up system is that? I am angry for her but I try and listen, contemplating the best way to approach a change. I know my parents will go in their guns blazing but if Harriet is really in danger of not graduating then there is not much they can do.

The date ends with a heavy feeling but also with relief, that we have got everything off our chest and even though nothing has changed the burden feels a little less. Except I am worried about Harriet, so when she goes upstairs to get ready for bed I stay downstairs and put on the ketteL. In the mood for some tea. I sit, watching the tea bag make the tea darker and darker as I think of a solution to help Harriet. Only heading upstairs with a heavy heart when I realize I have school tomorrow. I wish I could magically make all Harriet's problems disappear but that is not how life works. She is so busy trying to stay a float in high school that college must be a foreign and unattainable future.

Lying in Bed I decide I have to help her. Whatever it takes I will help her.