False Confidence

29

I wake up feeling refreshed, it is partly because I have caught up on sleep and partly because there is something wet dripping on my face. Blinking my eyes open I can't help but grin. Emma is sitting next to me on the sofa, a face clothe in her hands , her little hands wringing the water out and droplets falling on my face.

"Whatcha doing, Em?" I ask causing the toddler to look at me with a grin. She is already dressed in jeans and a cute hoodie.

"A'ke Har-pa?"  Her wet hands come to rest on my cheeks as she leans over me. " Pay?"

"Haven't you got school?"

"She didn't have a great night so I told Alena she can stay home with you." My mom comes into the room, wiping her hands on a clothe, not unlike the one Emma has in her own hands. "I thought we could have a little girls day out."

"Are Alena and Harriet gone already?"

"Yeah, they left early for Cheer, so how about you go and get dressed and we head to the spa and then for lunch."

I smile, liking the idea of a day spent with these two. I stand up stretching but when I prepare to leave Emma makes a noise of protests and slides herself off the sofa, making her way over to my side and lifting her hands. Smiling I lean down and pick her up, she buries herself in my arms "I guess we will be done in twenty." I tell my smiling mother who shoos us away. I make my way upstairs with Emma happily chatting me.

With no time to shower I quickly throw on the sweater dress I love, and besides it is easy to rip off at the spa, I pair it will converse and brush my hair into a messy bun. Emma sits on my bed, playing with my plushies as I shove things in my bag. "Alright I am all ready, ready for a day of fun?" 

"Fun!" Emma launches herself into my arms and grinning I bound downstairs with her. Happy that my mom is letting me have a mental day off. 

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"Here," I wipe Emma's hands with a wet serviette removing all the food stains "Now you are all clean you can go play." Sliding herself off the seat she runs to the kiddies play area, there are people watching over all the kids so making sure she is noticed by one of them I turn, facing my milkshake once more. 

"You are good with her." I catch my mom look and I pause, seeing something that is almost sad in them. I want to ask her but I am afraid of the answer, not sure I can take anymore. But it does not stop her. "Harper, do you know what you are doing?"

"What?" 

"I get that you are kind, you do the best for everyone all the time, you put others first and I admire and love that about you." I sense there is a but so I wait. "Alena has had two years to figure out how to manage being a parent and school, she has probably thought about what going to college with Emma will look like and if that is a possibility for her."

" She has to go to college, she is brilliant in school."

"Does she want to?" I pause and it gives her answer the answer, I do not know for sure what Alena wants.

"You love her." It is not a question and my heart squeezes because I think it is true. I love Alena and I love Emma. "You are only 17 Harper, are you ready to take on a mother and a child?"

"Alena managed."

She is silent as we both turn and watch Emma go down the slide, assisted by one of the helps. "I don't want to discourage you to follow your heart Harper, I just want you to consider all the things that go into having a relationship with Alena, I want you to know that being exhausted will be a frequent occurrence and then you are still going to have to get up the next day and carry on. "

I wring my hands under the table debating whether to truly open up or keep it in and have her think I was exhausted by Alena and Emma. "Mom," I stutter trying to quill the guilt in my heart at letting Harriet down "It wasn't them, I didn't." I stop, feeling my chest heave as I hang my head. Hating that I have to choose between two people I love. "Being with Alena and Emma feels right, like I fit somehow, you know I have avoided children but Emma, well she is different."

"So what is it then?" I am silent and turn as I see Emma running back to us "Har-pa pay?" 

"In a minute, baby, why don't you go back and slide some more." She grins and toddles back and is assisted to climb the mini stairs. I turn back to my mom "I promised Harriet I wouldn't say anything." My mom knows our bound, how I look out for her. She often calls me  out on it, wanting me to let Harriet learn from mistakes. I just want to protect her. 

"Tell me, Harper."

"It is nothing drastic," I promise sipping on the double chocolate milkshake. "Just, at school the teachers are tripling her work, making her do more tests than anyone and pushing her to the point where she is exhausted and feels helpless because she isn't keeping up and she can't even think about college because she has no time between work and trying to complete the other bucket load of work."

Mom frowns leaning forward " Why didn't she come to us?"

"Because, she didn't want to burden you. " I sigh "She thought that you would go storming into the school and demand justice, that she is not strong enough to manage the extra work load. Mom you can't go to into the school!" 

Once more there is silence as she runs over what I told her. Her phone buzzes and glancing down she sees that it is dad. Giving a pained smile she pulls the phone to her ear. "Hey, Hun."  I stand, giving her privacy as I head towards where Emma is chatting to assistant as I walk closer I grin when  realize the direction their conversation is taking. 

"She won't go anywhere near the swing." I am taken back to when Alena first told me. The assistant is young and she smiles at me, I guess she is around the college age. 

"She your sister?" I shake my head as Emma comes and attaches herself to my leg "Your daughter." I smile, not contradicting the statement as I think about it. 

"No ma'am." Emma states tugging at my hand "NO ma'am" I chuckle with the assistant.

"She hates Swings, won't go near the one at home, even hates it when I swing on it."

"Oh," She seems confused but shrugs, leaning down to talk to Emma once more "You want to go play in the sandpit?" Emma nods and taking the assistants hand follows her. I grin after them and seeing mom put down the phone head back over. 

"Dad okay?"

"Yeah, he called to tell me about some awesome lunch with some partners." She smiles "He agreed we should talk to Harriet tonight." 

I frown, she is going to know I told them. "Harper, thank you for telling me, it might not seem like it now but it is better we know, now we can help Harriet. " I nod even if I do not believe her, I want to. "Now, why don't we finish off this day with a nice trip to the nike shop."

"Can Emma and I get matching Nike air force, the vintage ones?" I ask excitedly and mom laughs, shaking her head in humour.

"You bounce back fast don't you." I grin, standing up. I turn to go and get Emma but I pause, turning to my mom. 

"I do love them, mom." She meets my eye and must see the serious manner I address her because she pauses and waits. "I do not know what the future holds but I know that I do not want to loose them, both of them." She nods and I see the smile beneath her look of affection. I think she gets it but most of all she supports me and really, that is all we ever need from our parents. Support.