Concerning Chance ✔

ELEVEN

Dear Rory,

Ifyou're reading this, it means I̶ n̶e̶e̶d̶ t̶o̶ f̶i̶n̶d̶ b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ h̶i̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ p̶l̶a̶c̶e̶s̶.  It means something has happened to me. O̶r̶ I̶ d̶i̶d̶ s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶.

The nights are so dark, Rory, and lately I'vestarted believing that my heart beats for all the wrong reasons and all thewrong people. I̶ o̶n̶c̶e̶ r̶e̶a̶d̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶  It's true that our hearts are monsters towardsus, and that's why our ribs are cages. The monster in me is intolerable a̶n̶d̶ t̶w̶i̶s̶t̶e̶d̶ i̶n̶t̶o̶ l̶u̶n̶a̶c̶y̶.

I'm drowning and I'm trying so hard not to dragyou down with me. To say I'm m̶e̶s̶s̶y̶ c̶o̶m̶p̶l̶i̶c̶a̶t̶e̶d̶  fucked-up would be the understatement of the millennia. But you a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶  stay by my side, e̶v̶e̶n̶ n̶o̶w̶, even though you m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ would be better off without me.

I've tried so hard to protect you and keep you close to me, Rory. I̶'v̶e̶ t̶r̶i̶e̶d̶ s̶o̶ h̶a̶r̶d̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ n̶o̶w̶  I fear I've isolated you from the world. For this, I am deeply and irrevocably apologetic, I can only hope you are able to find your way back to all the people who love you and deserve you in their lives.

Love and dedication — two things you granted me willingly. T̶w̶o̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ I̶ c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ s̶e̶e̶m̶ t̶o̶ g̶i̶v̶e̶ t̶o̶ y̶o̶u̶. Two of the many things that you, of all people, deserve most.

I'm not one to complain, you know that more than anyone, Rory. But fuck... I never thought I'd go through so much shit in one year. N̶o̶w̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ I̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ i̶t̶ W̶h̶e̶n̶ I̶ l̶o̶o̶k̶ b̶a̶c̶k̶  It's insane. Pure and utter lunacy, Rory.

My family is literally falling to pieces. A̶n̶d̶ i̶t̶'s̶ a̶l̶l̶ m̶y̶ f̶a̶u̶l̶t̶. A̶l̶l̶ m̶y̶ f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ f̶a̶u̶l̶t̶. And I don't know what I can do, I don't know if there's anything that anyone could do to fix things.

I guess some things just aren't meant to be fixed.

I'm writing this to you in the eventuality that something does happen to me. I'm not planning on it at all — you know that I w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ r̶a̶t̶h̶e̶r̶  am not one to give up easily, t̶o̶ g̶o̶ d̶o̶w̶n̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ a̶ f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶.

And I don't care if I ramble at times. I'm heavily under the influence, t̶h̶a̶t̶ m̶u̶c̶h̶ I̶'m̶ a̶w̶a̶r̶e̶ o̶f̶, which makes it easier for me to write this. T̶h̶e̶ r̶a̶m̶b̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶ b̶e̶ c̶u̶t̶ d̶o̶w̶n̶ w̶h̶e̶n̶ I̶ r̶e̶-̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ t̶h̶i̶s̶. P̶r̶e̶f̶e̶r̶a̶b̶l̶y̶ s̶o̶b̶e̶r̶ a̶n̶d̶ o̶n̶ a̶ n̶i̶c̶e̶r̶ p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶ o̶f̶ p̶a̶p̶e̶r̶.

I̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ s̶t̶r̶o̶n̶g̶l̶y̶ a̶d̶v̶i̶s̶e̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶  Ignore any marks that look like tear stains. They're probably just drops of alcohol. I̶ w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ w̶a̶s̶t̶e̶ a̶l̶c̶o̶h̶o̶l̶ s̶o̶ i̶g̶n̶o̶r̶e̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ t̶o̶o̶.

I sincerely hope that you never have to read this. I hope I find some shred of light to cling onto. I hope there's no final blow lurking around the corner, waiting t̶o̶ p̶o̶u̶n̶c̶e̶ o̶n̶  to catch me off guard, w̶h̶e̶n̶ I̶'m̶ l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ e̶x̶p̶e̶c̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ i̶t̶.

But know that if you are reading this, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you. Even as I write this, as drunk as a skunk and as high as a kite, sobriety and straightness (that's not a word but I couldn't find any other antonyms for high (̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ w̶e̶ b̶o̶t̶h̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ I̶ a̶m̶ t̶h̶e̶ e̶x̶a̶c̶t̶ o̶p̶p̶o̶s̶i̶t̶e̶ o̶f̶ s̶t̶r̶a̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ f̶u̶c̶k̶ n̶o̶w̶ i̶m̶ t̶h̶n̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ a̶b̶t̶ h̶e̶r̶...)̶  ) sink in and my heart aches for you and misses you.