I Can Be That Woman

Chapter Eleven

Sunday arrived. Frida believed at dawn all torturous thoughts would vanish, but turned out quite the opposite. All morning and afternoon she did nothing but overthink; in her situation with Jens, in her situation with Benny, in herself, in her needs and in what she really wanted. No more lust, no more casual visits, she wanted something new, something authentic. Jens offered her a nice love story, but she could not completely surrender to him. As said, he called in the morning and she made a superhuman effort to sound normal, but the truth is that she was extremely overwhelmed.

The night caught her thinking about her life, about what's ahead. Frida always got the same conclusion; she wants to love and be loved. Was she being selfish? Or maybe very cheesy? This new facet terrified her, but she was willing to face it.

Frida was dressed in pajamas. A while ago she took a bath and made herself comfortable while she drank wine. She needed to kill her thoughts. Sitting on the sofa with a lost look, she remembered his words.

<< Damn it, Frida. What are you doing to me>> <<I know you>>
<<<You're the sexiest woman i've ever seen>>
<<We want very similar things, Frida. That's why we are here>>

Frida let her head fall back on the couch, frustration was the dominant emotion, and she was exhausted of it. She never asked Benny for more than he was willing to give because she'd never wanted more from him before, just as he'd never asked more from her. They had an unspoken agreement. But she could not deceive herself anymore, the answer was in front of her but accepting it was close to be painful; she was in love with Benny.

How did it happen? At what moment? It was like betraying herself... and betraying him. He is free, he does not belong to anyone. Frida felt tears come and burn her eyes. The image of Benny with Helena tortured her, Benny with Kris, Benny with Iris, Benny with any other girl. Her chest ached and pain shot up her throat. She wanted to scream, scream until be empty of that feeling. She loves him, but if there's one thing she's sure of, it's that he doesn't love her. Frida laughed hysterically as two tears slipped down her cheeks. "Stupid, stupid!" Why of all men, him? Why not Jens who treats her like a princess? But above all; Why didn't she stop comparing them? Neither of them deserved that.

She drank the entire contents of the cup and a second later threw it on the ground where it broke into small pieces. Just like me, she thought. She was broken, she felt broken, because she wanted something that she could not have. She could buy almost anything in the world, but not him, not Benny, not his love. She wanted his love. She wanted Benny to be the one to teach her what it is to be loved.

<<I don't recommend you to fall in love>>

She laughed at the memory of his words. "How pathetic. I am pathetic." She said with disgust. She couldn't just sit here, was sick of feeling like this. So she would go drown her feelings somewhere other than the tortuous comfort of the empty place she called home.

It was half past ten when Benny still worked on his MacBook in his home office. Unlike other Sundays, today he decided to stay home and do nothing, but in the middle of the afternoon after feeling useless he began to overtake work. He had several pending emails to answer so he dedicated to give them a reply. The room was lit only by a lamp in one corner and the light emitted from the computer screen. Benny skilfully slid his fingers over the keyboard, almost finished, this way he'd have the most leisurely week.

The soft vibration of his cell phone announced an upcoming call. Without stopping typing, Benny looked from his MacBook to his phone; Björn's name on the screen. He stopped typing for a moment to accept the call, instantly putting it on speakerphone. "What's up, brother!" It wasn't unusual for Björn to call at this hour, considering they could call each other for literally anything.