Drumbeats into My Heart

28. Jordi the Therapist

The lifted corner of his mouth sags. "It was stupid. I told my mom I was at the library all day. She didn't really believe me."

"Is that not something you normally do?"

"Actually, it is," he chuckles. "But she saw Tai drop me off. He's not exactly the all-day-at-the-library type."

I nod. "And then what happened?"

"She accused me of being afraid of her as the reason for lying."

"And that made you mad?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "No."

When he doesn't elaborate, something inside me sinks. I begin wondering how dysfunctional his relationship with his mother really is. "Is it true, what she said?"

He refuses to look at me and glances at the doorway, as if contemplating escape. He looks so lost and hurt that it breaks my heart. I hadn't intended to dredge up those painful feelings for him. Now I just want to soothe it all away.

"I'm sorry, Seth," I whisper across the small gap between us. I reach out to pull him into an embrace. His arms immediately wind around me, squeezing me more tightly than I expect. He holds onto me like I'm the only life raft in a vast ocean. And maybe that's how he feels.

I wait until he pulls away before letting him go. I lean back while continuing to let my knees touch his. I don't know if I'm allowed to ask, but if I don't, who will?

"Does she hit you?" I probe.

His mouth twists and he's avoiding eye contact again. "Not for years." He peeks at me before looking away again. "And it's not like she punched me or anything. It was never like that. Just... you know, the usual disciplinary stuff."

I wonder what he means by "the usual disciplinary stuff", and whether it's the same as what other people would call it, but I decide against asking. He already looks like he's preparing to sink through the chair, the floor, and disappear from Earth altogether.

"What ticked me off was her expecting me to thank her for pushing me so hard." He shakes his head and says in a low voice, "She has no idea."

I touch his knee. "She does now."

He lifts his eyes to mine, as if the thought hadn't occurred to him. Eyes so intense they might set me on fire. He leans forward and kisses me. "Mmmm... this is the best therapy," he murmurs against my lips.

I smile in between kisses. "The kissing or the talking?"

"Mmm both." He snakes an arm around my neck and pulls me closer. "I think I love you," he breathes into my ear.

I freeze.

"I mean this! I love this." He blushes and pulls away.

I eye him, unsure what he really means. I like him a lot, sure, but love?

He clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck. "What I mean is, you make me feel like a normal person. And no one else does that for me. I love how you make me feel." He looks away, ears bright red. "I should probably go."

He's extra flustered, so I decide on a joke to lighten the mood. "You are a normal person. Unless you're actually a Borg drone sent to infiltrate Earth."

His mouth quirks. "A Borg drone would definitely not feel the things I do."

I give him a relieved smile, glad he's not on the verge of taking flight anymore. "What are you going to do now?"

He gives me a lopsided smile and raises an eyebrow.

I giggle at him. "No, I mean about your mom. You're going to have to face her again."

He sighs. "I don't suppose I could stay here? Maybe your dad wants to adopt me. I'm good at washing dishes."

As much as I want to spend more time with him, it sort of feels like he's latching onto me too quickly. Like he wants to be with me in order to escape something else. "Seth, even if I could convince my dad to let you sleep on the couch, you'd still need to face your mom. I'm sure she's worried about you."

"It's all she ever does," he mumbles and crosses his arms over his chest.

"It's what all moms do. I wish I still had mine to worry about me."

His face softens and he unfolds his arms. "What happened to her?"

That familiar ache returns to my chest. "Cancer."

"I'm sorry." He swallows and gazes out the window. "Maybe you're right. I should man up and go face her."

"It's not about manning up. It's about stating your case. Standing your ground despite the fear."

"That's manning up."

"Oh." I lean back and cock my head. "I thought it meant beating your chest and shaming the other person into submission."

"Who have you been hanging out with?"

"Never mind." Apparently I've spent too many days hanging out around toxic masculinity. "My point is..." I pause, hoping he won't take this the wrong way. "I think you have a tendency to bottle things in. And when those things get to a boiling point, they just burst out of you. It's kind of how you asked me out."

"It is?" He leans back against the chair and becomes contemplative. "Huh."

I'm not sure what "huh" means, and his face has become unreadable. I can't tell if he wants to agree or argue with me. It could go either way.

So I sit there and wait.

Ugh waiting is the hardest part. Let's vote while we wait.