The Other Side Of Paradise

XXIX

"That's not how any kind of treatment works. You don't get better within a month. You just see progress. And nothings wrong with feeling upset that the progress isn't enough—but there is an issue with forcing yourself to get better or change if it isn't for yourself."  He said and Onika looked at his side profile, he turned to her so they were face to face.

"Are you getting better for yourself—or are you forcing yourself because you feel bad for the "trouble" you put your family and friends through?" He asked putting the word trouble in quotation marks. Onika looked down, she felt as if a weight of shame was just on her neck.

Robert didn't receive a verbal answer, but he already knew seeing as he went through the same thing Onika was going through.

"I can't tell." She admitted quietly.

It hurt to admit it. She couldn't lie. She felt this weight of guilt crash into her each time she looked around at all the people she cared about—and then the way she treated them. She knew it was because of she wasn't sober at the time. And she couldn't tell if she wanted better for herself—or for the people around her.

"It's not fair." She said quietly, "I've tried my best and I still have to keep trying. I'm content. But—I'm not happy." She admitted, her father let out a low sigh.

He knew Onika had to learn that getting better for other people was different than getting better for herself.

"You've come a long way Onika. But you've still got a long way to go. You're going to attend your NA meeting tonight aren't you?" He asked—and by asking he was really making sure Onika was indeed attending her meetings.

Onika nodded, she tried to claim she didn't need to go after her fathers bootcamp but—he didn't believe that.

"Then get going, I know how you are. The later you stay here the less you'll want to go." He said and Onika sighed, she knew he was right. She stood up, reluctantly before leaning down and kissing her dad on the cheek.

"Love you." She said quietly and he smiled, "I love you too. Get your ass to your meeting." He said and Onika scoffed, before looking down at him. He had seriously helped her—they had went from not speaking to Onika telling him everything.

Sometimes she still thinks about her broken she was when she ended up on his doorstep, crying and sobbing.

She made her way to her meeting, brushing off her shorts that had grains of sand clad to them. Before stopping though, she decided to stop at Beyonces house. Because the more she thought about what her father said—the more she had to work on herself.

She parked quickly before knocking lightly, and the blonde answered the door immediately with a grin. She seemed so excited to see the girl.

"Onika—hi! You have NA tonight right? Let me go get my keys—" Onika stopped her right there, she felt a bit guilty requesting this but she knew that this may help her. And rid of her of the permanent shadow of guilt she seems to stand in nowadays.

"Yeah—about that—can..I go by myself tonight?" Onika asked and Beyoncé looked at her a bit confused, "Oh—we usually go together." Beyoncé said and Onika nodded, she knew they usually want together and Onika loved having Beyoncé around but—she had to experience it herself.

"I love your company Beyoncé and I love you it's just I need to learn what it's like to take care of myself on my own—and I think it'll be easier i if I just do it by myself—I'm not pushing you away or anything I just need..time." Onika confessed, she felt as if a big breath of fresh air had finally arrived.

Beyoncé listened before the words onika said rang through her head.

"You love me?"

Beyoncé asked pointing to herself and Onika froze, her rambling that she didn't even get to start had seized. And so did Onikas blood—and movements. The two stared at each other in slight shock and Onika gulped loudly enough for the two to hear.