Words Unsaid

|82| ugly duckling

I loved watching the ugly duckling trope as a kid for no other reason than that it filled me with hope. One day I'll turn pretty and all my problems will disappear. I loved watching it so much, I might as well have manifested it.

Because one day it did come true. It wasn't overnight, it was gradual. Days where I hated my body to the bones and days where I forced myself to love it and days where I forced myself to hate it because boys love girls who are insecure in their bodies.

I'm at a place finally where I'm at peace with how I look and my problems persist still, they're just different now. The movies talked about how change can be beautiful, but not how some changes aren't as easy as losing a few calories and changing an old wardrobe.; they're harder to come about.

the memory of the class performance in kindergarten still haunts me to this day. I was wearing a dress I loved, but the pretty girl with golden hair was in drabs. the pretty girl with golden hair had the main part because she was pretty and had golden hair. The teacher forced me out of my dress that I loved so the pretty girl with golden hair can wear it. I was sent to the background. I wasn't pretty, my hair wasn't golden.

I'm "other", I'm different, I'll never be like her, like the pretty people.

It haunted me throughout school, got solidified everytime I wasn't picked in a team.

Then I turned pretty. It's easy to believe I'm pretty now, after 20 years. It's harder to let go of the belief that I'll never be enough, I'll always be the "other" in everyone's stories. It's infuriating to believe that my childhood was terrible, just because I looked a certain way. It's infuriating that I'm not everything I could've been all because they never bothered to look inside and stay long enough.