"A good friend?" I answered with nervous uncertainty.
Who in the whole wide world am I kidding?
She stared at me like some stupid, bad joke that she can't quite make up her mind about. I'm guessing she would have probably laughed at me if she wasn't already very furious, to begin with.
I can't blame her.
Who treats a friend the way I'm treating her? I shake my head at the rhetorical question. Even my body won't agree with that pathetic answer. What with that 'little' business I had to finish in private every time we do an intimate scene? The evidence is there, and the answer to that question is obvious. It has been so long since I wasn't looking at her through an innocent, friendly lens. I want her to myself. Like how a man desires the woman he loves.
But still . . .
"Are you asking me?" She shot back and made a gesture of dusting off a non-existent speck of dirt in my otherwise clean suit.
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I swallowed a lump in my throat. I preferred it when she was shouting at me or sending me death glares. The calmness she exudes right now felt like a calculated move of a wolf about to launch an attack on its prey. Her gentle touches were enough to unnerve me and made me sweat bullets.
"Yes. I mean n-no." I answered in haste and almost tripped on my words before taking an unconscious step backward. I only realized I did when she blatantly called me out on it.
"Stop that." She demanded. I can feel the calm before the storm. "You're not running away from this conversation again. I won't let you." The command is enough to keep me rooted in my place.
"I'll ask you again. For the last time. What am I to you?" This time, she was the one to close the gap between us. "Think before you answer." She added.
"What am I to you?"
I repeated the question in my head. Asking my inner self. Trying to find the answer within.
"I don't know." I mouthed the words with my head hanging low. When I looked up, I saw her expression change. Nothing but disappointment is showing on her face.
"Coward." She said in a hiss and was about to leave when I suddenly hugged her. I had to stop her from walking away. I felt like if I didn't, I will lose her completely.
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"No. Listen. Please don't go. Let me try again. I'm just...just...I guess I'm just a fool who is wishing for something completely out of my league. And even a bigger fool for thinking I have a chance at it."
I brave a confession.
I was ready to be called a fool when instead she said, "Try Man-wol. She has superpowers. She can probably grant you your wish." Ji-Eun said alluding to the name of the character she's playing in the drama we're both working on.
"She can't help me," I said dejectedly.
"But she'll do anything for Chan-sung." She offered.
"Yeah. I bet she would." I laughed half-heartedly.
"Then why are you . . ." She didn't finish her words.
I sighed and withdraw from the hug so I can look into her eyes.
"But this isn't about Chan-sung nor Man-wol. It's about us. Or I probably should just say me." I looked at the face of the woman I'd been longing for with all the love I can muster.
Her expression softened. Her eyes held me while her hands cupped my cheeks on both sides.
"What is it? Tell me." She gently urged. I was trying so hard not to lean on her touch but the gentleness in her voice is making me weak. Unable to control myself, I reached out to one of her hands on my face and held it before turning to it and kissing the inside of her palm.
"Thank you. But this is enough." I said dismissively after kissing her hand and trying to remove both from my face. "Let's stop here." I finished as I turn to my side avoiding her eyes.
This isn't me being a coward. This is me trying to protect the woman I cared for more than myself. I'm too lacking. I don't deserve her. I will never be enough.
For the longest time, I've always been indecisive about this. About what I felt for her. For the prospect of having her all to myself is very alluring and tempting. But in the end, I decided to let go. It's better to remain friends. This isn't just about me but also her future. She's better off with someone else. Someone more successful. Someone wiser and probably older. I rest my case. I will stop it here.
I made another effort to gently remove her hands from my face but she wouldn't let me. Then suddenly, I felt her close the distance between us.
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Then she kissed me. Slow and full.
I was tempted to kiss her back but she already pulled away.
"The kiss is the sign of our covenant. I am not Man-wol and you are not Chan-sung today. You are just Jin Goo and I am just Ji-Eun, your wish-granting fairy." Ji-Eun said out of the blue.
