'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

Watercolor eyes

Literally, circling back to him?

And do I mind?

"Hello, Miss-Cordelia," The fats lady sings.

I mean, Remus and I are just friends.

"Are you going to go in?" She asks.

In the most deranged sense of the word of course.

"Are you?" A surprised voice asks from behind me. I turn around, not shocked to see a shocked Remus. I audibly sigh despite myself. There's nothing more I want to then to run into his arms.

"I was actually looking for you," I half lie.

Remus' brows raise comically high, but he masks his surprise quick. "I'm just doing errands right now. I have to go to the Owlry next," He waves a stack of letters.

"I'll go anywhere you go,"

"Then let's," 

The walk is quiet in an awkward sort of way. I concentrate on the sound of our footsteps, when focused on in a certain way they sound like a song. I wonder what he's thinking and then I wonder how he's feeling. That's the thing about loving Remus, I'm always in the dark.

I wrap my arms around myself so I don't accidentally reach out for his hand. I keep my eyes glued to the scenery around us, so I don't accidentally stare at him for too long.

"What are you mailing?" I finally have some sense to ask.

"Some job applications for after school," He says simply. "Have you submitted any?"

To be honest, I haven't been too considerate about my future. I don't know if there's anything for me beyond the four walls of this school. So I guess I've just been living day by day; with very little empathy for my future self.

"I don't know what I want to do," I don't tell him my—our options are very limited anyways. I'll never be the one to rain on his parade. We're werewolves, beasts, and society will treat us as such.

"You don't know what you can do, you mean," I finally look at him, stopping in my tracks. He's already looking down at me. Remus has always had this way of knowing my mind, like the grooves in my brain are the lines on the palm of his hand. "Don't worry about what you are, Delia, worry about what you want,"

I scoff a dry laugh, suddenly finding my shoes to be visually appealing. "I don't know what I want,"

"You want to know, that's a start," Remus praises, placing his hand on my shoulder. Always so warm. My eyes snap to his touch and he immediately lets his hand drop. "Sorry," He coughs.

"No, it's okay," I shake my head, clearing the rush of emotions. "Thanks," I smile, and begin walking again.

"How's your mom?" Remus asks as we walk up the stairs of the Owlry.

I smile an ironic smile. "I don't know, dead maybe," Remus gives me a disapproving look, "Yours?"

Remus bites his lip and keeps his gaze forward as we finally reach our destination. "She's really sick," his voice quivers a bit.

This shocks me to my core. I've never met Mrs. Lupin, but i've heard stories of her kindness, of her unconditional love for Remus and her husband. The breeze whistles lowly as the owls hoot. "Merlin, Rem, I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me?" I flinch at my own question.

I watch as his nimble fingers use ribbon to tie a letter to an owls foot. "You've been busy," I flinch at his tone now. What else has been happening with him that I don't know about because i've been with Regulus? "Sorry, I don't mean to sound bitter, I'm happy you're happy."

Am I? Happy, that is.

Being here, now, with Remus feels like I'm betraying something. Regulus? Myself? Both? And it also feels like I'm complete.

But just because this feels right, doesn't make it such.

The way he hasn't met my eyes this whole conversation hasn't gone unnoticed by me. "Are you?"

"I am," Remus sends the owl off and begins to tie the next application to the next owl. "But what can I say? I'm selfish," he snorts, finally looking at me. "Here, all this time, I've just been wishing it was me you're happy with,"

This is the moment it hits me. Remus and I are one in the same.

"When did you hear about your mom?" I try to change the subject.

He lets me. "Few weeks ago,"

"What's the matter with her?"

"Pneumonia, it's pretty bad, she's got a few weeks left," He hangs his head and his fingers give up trying to tie a bow. I walk over, gently moving his hands away from the bird and begin tying myself.

"I'd like to meet her," I tell him decisively, finishing the bow and sending off the last owl.

I'd like the meet the woman to created my heaven and hell.

"Yeah?" He lifts his head, smiling a bit. "She'd like that and I would too,"

"Then it will happen," It's now that I realize exactly how close our faces really are. How warm and sweet his breath really is. How much I want to kiss him. How easily I fall back in. Remus looks to my lips and I to his.

I move. He sighs.

"We have our first trial preparation tomorrow," I say, looking out at the midday sky. "Are you nervous?"

"Nah, just...eager to get it over with," Remus furrows his brows as if suddenly remembering something. "Why were you looking for me?"

"My world feels small without you," I admit, brushing hair out of my face.

"You'll never be without me, Cordelia," Remus says as if I'm stupid. "Unless you decide that,"

Despite all of your decisions, it will never be your choice to love.

We stand looking at each other, three feet apart.

Regulus is the reason I'm alive, but Remus is the reason I live.

I wish I was ready to tell him, I want to be your lover I don't want to be your friend.

"Just—be here. I don't need anything else,"

"Where else am I going to go?"

___________

song; Watercolor eyes by Lana Del Rey

The act ends in less than 12 chapters, are you ready to break?